Once again, my wife spent the night at her friend’s place, thus continuing the “separation,” which is going on 9 days or so now. I’m not really counting, since I know this is probably going to be temporary anyway. She came home again this morning, and spent the better part of the day here, but left late afternoon to go back to her friend’s place. It has been snowing most of the day, so she’s trudged her way there and back .
The truly interesting development right now is the following: I have it on pretty good authority that her affair could be on the rocks. I do know that there have been issues, but from what I’m hearing, it sounds like the affair is just draining too much of her energy. That would be consistent with what I’m seeing: she always looks tired, defeated, defensive, beaten down, and generally unhappy. Things might be getting ready to turn for the better here, as she has not been so cold toward me the past couple of days.
I think the thing that is hitting her the hardest right now is the reality that she has to finish her doctorate, and that she’s got very little time to get that done. We’re talking 3-4 months that she has to write the dissertation, and then about another month getting ready to defend. That’s a lot of work, I can tell you from experience. I do believe that she is finding the affair to stand in the way of this goal of finishing her dissertation — a worthy goal to have.
The question now is how this is going to play out. I can foresee a couple of possibilities: First, she might try to keep the affair on ice while she continues to write up and defend, and then rekindle it during the summer. I find that quite unlikely, as the affair has probably zero chance of sustaining itself on life support in the intervening months. Second, and actually this is related directly to the first point above, she could try to broach the subject to the adulterer and trigger an affair-ending argument. I find this scenario to be more likely; the first scenario would see the affair just sort of fizzle out, but I think they’re headed for an all-out blow up.
Either way, there does arise the question of logistics. What’s she going to do for those 5 months from now until her defense? Where will she live? Whose food will she eat? How is she going to make money for her upkeep?
I’m pretty sure the answer is that she’ll just move back in. If the first scenario plays out, I’ll get put on notice that she’s not coming back to me, ever. That scenario won’t last; I’ll keep working on reconciling until I get a true breakthrough. If the second scenario plays out, then it will be more like post-disaster management mode, and I’ll have to get her counseling, shower her with as much unconditional love as is possible, and continue to build goodwill until she joins me 100% on the path of reconciliation. I’m pretty sure that one or two sessions with my counselor would move her pretty quickly right back to my court.
Why can I say this? Well, I just don’t think my wife really is ready to disengage and be single and “independent” again. I don’t know this for sure, but I think that her plans to disengage had nothing to do with her being single and independent ever, but rather taken and dependent on the adulterer. In other words, she has built a vision of the future with him, and if that affair implodes, so does the entirety of her future. Her present will then be totally groundless.
Anyway, interesting times ahead. I’ve had the intuitive sense that the big blow-out could be coming soon, even in the next few days. There’s a new moon on Monday (remember that old Duran Duran song?) and many systems of astrology hold that the days leading up to that new moon to be difficult and quite critical, with the new moon itself signaling the potential for a new phase. That being the case, I’d like nothing better than for her to go over to her lover’s place this weekend and have that blow-up once and for all. Just get it over and done with. Then I can start to pick up the pieces and rebuild.