My wife returned this morning, as per usual, arriving around 9:00 a.m. We had about 4 inches of snow on the ground at that time, and it was sleeting. Again, she looked like hell: puffy eyes, tired face, defeated posture, you name it. She just looked terrible. I asked her if she was okay, and she did tell me she hadn’t slept well, but I didn’t need her to tell me that to know that was the case. I served her breakfast, coffee, and then lunch. She was actually quite snotty to me at one point, and I’m not really sure what she was snotty about, but I found myself getting sucked into the sarcasm. This is not good. Note to self: don’t feed in to the vortex.
She left much earlier than usual, right around 1:30. We had a snow day at work, so I had the pleasure of staying home all day. Before she left, I sneaked a magazine I had bought her a few days ago into one of her bags. It was still in the paper bag from the book shop, so she couldn’t see what it was, but fortunately she didn’t notice it was there before she left. I also told her I would be making dinner, and invited her back for that, but of course she declined. As she was going, I went to open the door for her. Here’s the exchange that ensued.
“Don’t do it for me!” she says in response to me opening the door.
“What are you talking about?” I say.
“I don’t need you to do things for me, okay?”
I look at her in disbelief. “Do you mean to tell me there is something wrong with someone being polite to you?” I close the door. After all, it’s about 29ºF outside.
She rolls her eyes. Actually, she rolls her eyes in a rather comical way that indicates that she’s been busted for saying something stupid, or acting foolishly. This is a behavior I haven’t seen from her since our crisis began over three months ago, and actually it’s a pretty good sign.
She opens the door for herself and begins to leave, and I just say goodbye, and tell her I’ll see her later. I watch her trudge through the snow back to her friends house, and I start laughing. Actually, I was looking for my cell phone so I could take a picture of her leaving, as the whole thing struck me as so absurdly funny. I think I laughed for about five minutes.
That’s the thing: this whole situation is just so utterly stupid. It’s pointless, a complete waste of time, and totally needless. I feel like I’m babysitting an emotional ten-year-old who just wants to have temper tantrums so that she can get her way. I’m not giving in, and I’m showing her that tantrums don’t really solve anything. Not only that, there are only so many tantrums I’ll tolerate before I tell her to mellow out.
So, she left, I was home alone, and I took advantage of the time to do some work. Then I cooked dinner. And after that, I went on Facebook for some strange reason. I haven’t really used that website for at least 2 months, and I don’t really have any desire to go back on it. It’s just so artificial. But I did, and right there at the top were some pictures posted by the friend who she’s staying with. I should add that my wife has blocked me from her Facebook account — a pretty petty move, but that’s where she’s at right now — and so I can’t see anything she posts. But this friend is on my friend list, so I could see the pictures of them walking their dog, with my wife tagging along.
I suddenly felt very, very sad, and alone. The aloneness doesn’t really bother me, but the sadness went straight to my heart. I miss her. I could see from the picture how lonely she feels, how much pain she’s in, and how vain her efforts are to try to ignore her pain. I just wanted to reach out and to say, “come home,” but I know that would have no effect. I started to cry. I think I cried for about 10 minutes. Not hard, and there wasn’t any kind of storyline, it was just tears of sadness that came out. And then the whole thing blew over like clouds in a passing storm. No big deal, really.
So now, I just wait.