Today is an inauspicious day. I have a Tibetan calendar in my kitchen that tells me this. Actually, it’s a western calendar overlaid with information from the Tibetan lunar calendar, including astrological information that is important in determining practice dates and so on. In Tibetan astrology, each day has a particular combination of elements (earth, water, fire, and wind) as well as a conjunction, which, without getting to complicated, refers to the location of the moon. It’s possible to have auspicious dates with inauspicious conjunctions and vice versa, and it’s also possible to have both be either auspicious or inauspicious. Today falls into the last category.
The element combination for today is fire-water; according to the calendar, “[t]his element combination is extremely unfavorable. Fire and water is the combination prefiguring death, any death, and any activity on this day will face significant obstacles that may weaken one’s vitality.” Yikes.
What about the conjunction? Arrow is “[u]nfavorable. Mentally, it indicates too much thought, which results in suffering. Physically, it indicates loss of senses or limbs.” Double yikes.
So, I guess it’s not a surprise that I’ve felt a bit off today. Not only that, I’m regularly posting on the discussion board of the community that is doing the same marriage reconciliation program that I am, and those boards have been particularly active today. It’s been kind of like Downersville in a way. It’s a really good thing that the discussion board exists, as it gives people like myself a place to vent and commiserate without having to take it out unproductively, like, for instance, on our spouses. Tomorrow and Friday look better, though.
The morning started normally enough: I woke up shortly before 6:00 and couldn’t get back to sleep. This has been typical for nearly 4 months now. There’s just too much on my mind, and if I do wake up, it all kicks in and starts spinning. I tried to sleep a bit more, but didn’t manage, so I just got out of bed and got the day started. I don’t really have weekends, but rather my days off are Wednesday and Sunday. I consulted my calendar and just decided that I really would take the day off and not do anything important.
My wife showed up just before 9:00 this morning. She took a bath, drank some tea I had made, and ate a couple of chocolates I had left her. She then did the laundry, which is something she has started doing again recently. She has neglected the housework for almost 4 months now, so that’s a welcome change. She commented on how clean the house was, and I told her I had cleaned the entire place on Sunday.
We had lunch together. I just made something simple. But, according to the principles of my program, I’m supposed to have one “date night” per week. That’s my date night for this week, I guess. We had a pleasant enough conversation, joked around a bit, and nothing too serious came up. I told her that I had a surprise place I wanted to take her next week, and she said, “is it ambush counseling?” I laughed. We are going to have a counseling session next week, but it has been mutually agreed upon in advance. I just told her it wasn’t far, and we’d just be there 20 minutes or so. She said, “Only 20 minutes?” I told her we could, of course stay longer.
I didn’t let on as to what this place is, though, she’ll find that out when we go there. It’s a root beer store. They sell pretty much nothing but root beer. The one near us (there are 2) also sells ice cream, and they make floats. My wife likes root beer a lot — it’s really the only soft drink she’ll touch — and she loves root beer floats. So this will be a nice surprise.
After lunch she told me that she needed to go back to her friends’ place. This wasn’t a surprise, as she’d left her computer there. Supposedly she is working on her dissertation these days, although I don’t see any evidence of it. I did offer to meet with her for another working session on it, but she was unsure as to what day might be good. She seemed to want to chat a bit, so I listened to her, and she began to tell me about an apartment she went to look at yesterday. “Gross,” she said. And it wasn’t cheap, either. Hopefully she’ll see that single life ain’t so great at her age. She did bring up her intention to move out (it’s been a month now, and she still hasn’t moved out). I looked at her and simply said, “You know, you don’t have to move out. This is your house, too.” That went straight to her heart, and to her conscience as well. She brought up the counseling session we’ll be having, and said that it’s okay with her as long as it’s about “healing,” but not about “fixing,” since, according to her, she’s done, and won’t be fixing anything. This story changes weekly, though. So, I just looked at her and said, “everyone has fixing that they need to do on themselves.” Point made. I hope.
This basically means she hasn’t made any progress. I knew she had gotten a couple of checks in the mail, so I offered to drop her off at her friends’ place on my way to the bank, where I’d deposit her checks. On the way out, I gave her a little root beer candy that one of my clients gave me. He had been to the root beer store last week and gave me a bunch of little goodies like that. My wife’s first reaction was, “gross!” It’s candy, and supposedly she shouldn’t be eating them, since she’s under the spell of her lover, who seems to have convinced her that processed and refined foods are evil. (Yes, they are unhealthy, but I do know that she likes all sorts of processed and refined foods.) I told her it was a root beer candy, and she unwrapped it, saw that it looked like a little root beer keg, and then ate it. She thought it was great. What can I say? That’s a good seed to plant in her mind which will be reinforced when we do finally go up the store.
At any rate, I do get to see her one more time today, as I’m taking her to a rehearsal tonight. She’ll then probably continue the pattern of coming home during the day tomorrow and Friday, and then some time on Friday afternoon she’ll pack off for another weekend at Camp Chickenshit. I have a book that I bought for her last week that I’m going to plant in her bag if I get the chance. It’s a book on the use of essential oils in cooking; it was on the bargain rack so it was only a few bucks, but it’s something she absolutely will enjoy. She loves essential oils and aromatherapy, and once or twice a year blows a couple hundred bucks buying oils from a supplier in France.
Now, if I can pull this off and secret this book into one of her bags, and if she doesn’t notice it until she’s underway, then I’ll have pulled off a big double-whammy: not only does she love essential oils, but I also know that she takes them to her lover’s place and does who-knows-what with them there. So that book would be both a reminder of me as well as a brake on their relationship, and that’s exactly what I want. I want him to feel my presence right there, breathing down his neck, making him feel impotent and embarrassed, and shamed that someone knows his “girlfriend” (or however he refers to her) better than does he.
Of course, since I’m always being lied to about what goes on on weekends I can get away with this. As far as I know, she’s just over at her friends’ house a couple of blocks from here, so what’s the problem with leaving a book or small gift for her?
This is one of the ways you can defuse an affair. First, you have to make sure that your spouse lies to you about it over and over again. You do that by not allowing them to talk to you about it, ever. They just cannot try to convince you that it’s a normal relationship. Next, you employ excellent relationship habits to build goodwill. Then, you give. Sneak a few gives in as surprises here and there, things they discover at home or while they’re going somewhere. These are reminders that you’re thinking of them, and if you do it right these acts also show that you know your spouse. And, if you know that your spouse will be going off with his/her lover at some point, try to sneak something or other into their bag, so that they can find it later. You’ve got to build up to it, though.
I’ve been lucky thus far in that I haven’t had any adverse reactions to any of these kinds of surprises. Usually she thanks me for them later. On maybe one or two occasions she never mentioned the surprise, or did so much later. Right now I can benefit from the fact that she’s under the advice of an “energy worker” who has told her that “healing” my emotions is necessary, and that she needs to express gratitude to me regularly. So I’ve got a bit more wiggle room than normal in this regard.
Hopefully I can pull it off. Friday is an auspicious day: the element combination is “earth-earth,” which is the most auspicious combination, favoring the accomplishment of your wishes, and the conjunction is “friend,” which signifies meeting with friends.