My scarcest commodity

My scarcest commodity right now? That would be face time with my wife. She has really done her best this past week to try to disengage from me and take space. She returned home on Tuesday, made sure I wasn’t around, and left the dog in the house. Then she returned for a couple of hours on Wednesday to teach a student. I did not see her at all on Thursday, and yesterday (Friday) she briefly resurfaced for about a half an hour or so. She was here just long enough to get a few clothes, do her makeup a bit, and then take the dog. She did at least ask permission to take her.

Of course, I assented. I had thought about trying to leave the house with the dog as I did last week, but then just thought that to be rather selfish. Instead, I did a bunch of cooking the night before, and tried out a few recipes from a Japanese cookbook I had bought her for Christmas. I also went down to the local Japanese grocer and got her a stainless steel bento box, and made her a lunch box that she could take along to Camp Chickenshit. The recipes were great, by the way, and I packet that bento box full of them, and made it look like the kind of bento box a spouse might prepare for his/her partner, with things thoughtfully and artfully arranged. I put this in a bag with some things for the dog. When she told me she was going, I gave her the bag and off she went.

Now here’s where things got interesting: I then went out to get some coffee. There’s a little coffee shop about a block from here that actually is inside a church. It’s the closest place to go; all the other places are at least 10 minutes away, and this place takes me about 2 minutes to get there. But I do have to drive by my wife’s friends’ house — the place she has been staying. So, while I’m driving to this place, I notice what looks like the adulterer’s truck turning down our street. I don’t know that he normally does this. There was a ladder in the back of his truck. As I drove home after getting coffee, I saw the adulterer’s truck in my wife’s friends’ driveway — the ladder was there, so it was indeed him — and she was loading up her stuff. While she was doing this, and this all happened in the space of a few seconds as I was clearing the intersection, husband of my wife’s friend drove into the driveway. He already knows the adulterer, and that has been established from his Facebook page. Some people have no shame.

Later that evening, I got a text from my wife thanking me for the lunch box. She said the food was great, and it tasted exactly like some of the things her mother cooked for her when she was a child. This is a good sign. I have no idea whether she ate the food in the presence of the adulterer or not, but I am pretty sure that, if he knew about it, he’d be bothered by it. Perhaps not visibly bothered, and in fact his outward reaction might be to show encouragement to my wife to show concern and gratitude toward me, but on some level it’s got to bug him. I’m not backing off. I am showing her (and by extension, him) that she is my wife, and that I do care for her and will take care of her. I am also showing him that I know her far better than he does, and far better than he ever will. Basically he’ll begin to see eventually that he really doesn’t have a chance, and he may very well get insecure and jealous. These are all things that, little by little, will help to end that highly inappropriate relationship. Every time something like this happens, he is reminded that the woman he is with actually is married.

I also learned a couple of things that piqued my interest. I heard through the grapevine that last month my wife came very close to ending her relationship with this man. Actually this was the second time I’d heard of this, but the situation was different this time. The first time, she’d told some friends (that’s how things get to me) that she was thinking of putting the “relationship” on hold while she works on her dissertation, since it was an energy drain and she needed to make her academic obligations her first priority. Heh – that never happened. This second time, she apparently got despondent during the heavy weather we had in January. We had about 10 days of snow, at times quite heavy, and this was followed by rain for another week at least. The adulterer is a gardener, and he lives 40 miles away where they get a lot more snow, and so he just didn’t come into town for something like 3 weeks. So she didn’t get to see him. She even stayed here one or two nights, I think, and she seemed pretty bummed out. Apparently, she wrote him a pretty lengthy letter that was sort of like a farewell letter, and this kind of turned him around. For now, at least. Shortly thereafter, she met his daughter and son-in-law, his brother and his family (including his daughter and son-in-law), his ex-wife, I think, and so on. Then there was some sort of teary conversation in which she was invited to move in. Hijinks ensued.

So that was one thing. The other thing was the hijinks, and yes, I’m being facetious. She had another session with the energy worker, and apparently her energy was totally messed up, to the point that this woman could tell that bad stuff was going to come out. And I guess it did. I don’t exactly know what transpired, beyond the advice that she was given not to move in with that man at this point. There was a process of healing that needed to take place first.

Now what, pray tell, might that involve? Once again, it appears to mean expressing gratitude to me, and being patient in trying to heal my heart to the point (ostensibly) where I’d let go and assent to whatever the hell it is my wife wants. Seriously, this is the advice this woman gives: do this stuff with an ulterior motive, and no, it’s not going to seem manipulative at all. The first time she tried the gratitude routine with me it lasted about 5 days. Thus far this time I’ve seen very little of it, but then again I’ve seen very little of her. The other component is that she was instructed to make prayers of supplication to my family and family ancestors, again expressing gratitude, and asking for forgiveness. I find this very distasteful, but have held my tongue. It’s really nothing more than spiritual materialism to think that praying to ancestors with an ulterior motive — and one of betrayal and abandonment at that — is somehow a virtuous or worthwhile thing, or that it’s not a totally ego-centric and selfish activity. Yet it seems that this is exactly what she’s been instructed to do.

I’m sure by now you see the problem with this course of action: You can make all the supplications you want, you can make endless expressions of gratitude and vow to be patient in order to get your way in the end, but when your actions are immoral, there will never be any relief! That’s just how it is. I do know that she is having panic attacks. I’ve seen these before, and they’re kind of random, but the fact that they have returned is almost certainly attributable to the continued immorality of her behavior. Some people just don’t learn, or it just takes them a while.

So yes, this may take a while for the reality of this situation to dawn on her. She is going increasingly public with the affair: there’s the crap she’s putting on her Facebook page (I’ve been blocked, so I can only catch a limited glimpse via a secondary page that I happen to have) and also the new blog posts she’s writing. She has a blog that she’s kept for about 5 years now, mainly for family and friends overseas, and thus far she has not posted about the adulterer but has hinted that there were some “turning points” or other in her life. Today there were pictures taken at his place. Nothing that would identify it as such, but rather close-range pictures taken of buds in a greenhouse, and  a picture of a hummingbird she took. She didn’t say much about where they were taken or anything like that. But this will very likely backfire on her, especially if she becomes more open in her posting. By the way, I do pay for the hosting for this blog, the domain-name registration fees, and so on. Perhaps she has forgotten about that, like she’s forgotten about a whole host of other things I do for her.

The reality is and likely will remain that, despite the distance she professes to be taking, our lives are intertwined, and there’s just no denying that.