Careless, careless, careless

Careless? Not me, but my wife. I’m generally a pretty careful person. I’m also not one to mess around and do immoral things (like, say, commit adultery) so I don’t typically have to worry about covering my tracks. Not so for her.

I went online today to check our bank balances, and found that hers had dwindled some more. Clicking through to the details, I could see that she was with the adulterer. I mean, why else would there be a charge at a shop in his hometown, which is a dinky little village some 40 miles from here? Does she not think I might see this stuff?

In a way, it’s sort of like adulterers want to get caught. I sometimes think that she is doing things in a half-careful way so that I’ll discover the evidentiary trail and confront her with it. I’ve no need to do that. I already confronted her with an evidentiary trail 4 months ago, and truly regret that decision. If I hadn’t done that and instead had gone headlong into reconciliation mode, things might have turned around by now. My rash decision to confront her with the evidence of her infidelity just drove the affair underground and made it more tenacious — for a time, anyway.

I’m truly beginning to think that she is entering the final stages of that affair. Its sheen is likely starting to wear off as the reality of life and all of its commitments and obligations begin to press down on it. That’s the problem with adultery: it seems so special, so unique, and so enchanting — at first. And then the affair begins to reveal itself to be a relationship like any other, beset with all of the personality problems and real-world exigencies that normal relationships have to cope with. Well, actually it isn’t a relationship like any other, because other relationships typically don’t get launched from a bed of lies and deceit, so in that sense an affair is destined to meet a premature demise. She has already told me that she cannot focus on her dissertation, and this is the single most important  and pressing thing in her life at the moment. She has had panic attacks because of it. She likely does not sleep through the night, either. She seems unsettled and stressed out all the time. She strikes me as very uncomfortable and unhappy, yet I am very comfortable, mostly happy, and totally settled and mainly peaceful these days. I get to live in my own house, sleep in my own bed, eat food out of my own fridge that I cook on my own stove, while she gets none of the above, all by her own choice. She has no place to call home and no fixed place to lay her head at night.

But wait, I was talking about carelessness. Well, here are some other signs of adultery-related carelessness:

  • She made several phone calls and texts to an acquaintance who provided her with boxes for packing. I see the cell phone bills, and I could also see the name of this individual’s wife on the boxes.
  • She left a tiny handbag on the floor the other day, and this contained the number for the cell phone the adulterer had bought her.
  • She has left the adultery-link cell phone in open view on more than one occasion.
  • Aside from the bank charge made today, there was a similar one last weekend as well. The bank does provide addresses, so I don’t know how she thinks I wouldn’t notice.
  • She has a small note on her desk with the adulterer’s address. His name is not on it, but his address (from which he runs a business) is publicly listed, and so it’s obvious to whom the address refers.
  • She has posted pictures of her Valentine’s gifts from the adulterer on her Facebook page. I’m blocked, so I cannot see the comments, but I just wonder what others might think of this.
  • There are deep, muddy tire tracks at the end of the street from the adulterer’s truck. It is easy to see how fresh these are, and therefore to know when he’s stopped by there to pick her up or drop her off.
  • I have caught her, red-handed, getting out of his truck on two separate occasions, and both times this was completely coincidental: I just happened to be driving by his pick-up/drop-off point on my way to running errands or other things.
  • I was his truck in the driveway of her friends’ house; this was just a few minutes after I saw what I thought was his truck driving down our street. I again happened to be driving by on my way back from errands.

Again, it’s almost like they want to get caught. I don’t know, would that make them feel better? When I was at the meditation class last night, one of the teachers said that he had worked in a prison outreach program, and one of the convicts told him, “none of us ended up here because we wanted to be unhappy.” This is a very telling comment. We do the things we want to do because we want to be happy. This is equally true of people who do patently stupid things, like rob banks, embezzle funds, or commit adultery. They all just want to be happy, but do not realize that their means to achieve happiness are totally unskillful and completely lacking in virtue.

This just leaves me in the place of waiting, waiting, and waiting. I’m waiting for the inevitable and inexorable demise of that sordid relationship. As sure as I’m sitting here and typing these words, that relationship will end. Neither of them know this, although at least one of them (the adulterer himself) should know better, for he has been there before and seen first-hand how futile adultery is. It also appears that my wife’s “friends” (i.e. the people she is staying with) don’t know that this relationship is ticking away to its final implosion. I can only attribute their complicity to a lack of morality, willful ignorance, or naiveté. While a bit of each might be at play, I suspect it has more to do with the latter than anything else.

Until that demise occurs, and it could be literally any day now, I just wait, and wait, and wait…