My apologies to my regular readers, no matter how few they may be, for having not posted for a few days. I’ve been very busy with work and other commitments. I’m just squeezing this post into the few minutes I have free this morning before getting a particularly busy Sunday underway.
I was doing some cooking on Friday morning when my wife came home. I’ve been taking to cooking for the entire weekend on one specific day (Thursday or Friday) when I have the chance, and have also been using this as an opportunity to give to my wife in the form of food memories. I have a couple of Japanese cookbooks, and am cooking my way through them. I know she loves this stuff, and told me on one occasion that my cooking reminded her of things her mother prepared for her when she was a child. So, I was in the midst of making some salmon nanbanzuke when she entered the house, quite predictably, at 11:00 a.m.
Seriously, her movements on weekends are so predictable that I can pretty much set things up in expectation of how they’re going to unfold. She’ll come by on Friday morning around 11:00 a.m. typically, and ask if she can “spend time with the dog.” This means she is going to spend the weekend at Camp You-Know-What. Then, I won’t hear a peep from her for the next 3-4 days. Finally, I’ll come home on Tuesday evening and find the dog back in the house. She is taking extended weekends that run through Tuesday morning, and this has been consistent for at least 6 weeks now, I guess.
So it came as no surprise to me when she came into the kitchen on Friday to ask me if she could spend time with the dog over the weekend. My response was generous and giving. I said she of course was welcome to do so. I did not hold back at all. I asked her where she would be taking the dog, and she said that it would be to her friends’ house two blocks from here. Now, there might be some truth to this: I do know that she has been getting picked up there on occasion in the recent past. But that simply isn’t her final destination, and I know it. That’s why I asked: she would need to lie to me, and I do need her to continue to lie, and lie, and lie some more. Every single lie brings her one step closer to ending that relationship.
Somehow I feel that end is drawing quite near. The external signs I’m seeing from her sometimes make me want to doubt this; take, for example, the discussion we had last week, where she really seemed to be digging her heels in. It’s the internal, invisible signs that make me feel that this endpoint is approaching. It’s very hard to quantify, since it’s sort of like just having a hunch about something. A lot of it has to do with the shift in my attitude, and it could just be that that is what I’m perceiving. Nevertheless, that shift will have its effect in drawing that chapter of her life to a close and bringing her back home to start a new one with me.
What exactly is this shift? I’ve written about this recently, but there is an added dimension or two to it that I’ve noticed. The main aspect of this shift is that I feel like I’ve really let go, so much so that I am simply doing what I’m doing because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t really have any expectations any more, or if there are any they become fewer with each passing day. I’m not measuring my progress day by day and anticipating result x to occur on day y. Instead, I’m sort of going with the flow.
That flow has included a sort of energetic shift that I’m noticing within myself. As I was driving home from work yesterday, I just noticed that I find it more and more difficult to stay in the negative space of worry, dread, and other troubled thoughts and emotions that have plagued me on some level for at least five months now. My mind would go there, but then there would be some sort of positive energy that would push it out of that space. Actually, it was more like a magnetizing energy that would pull it out, back into the realm of positivity. It is hard to describe, but it is palpable. It has a texture and a movement to it, and that movement is forward. Maybe that’s why it feels like I’m being pushed, when in reality it’s more like I’m being drawn.
I do think that part of this has to do with my having taken a Red Tara empowerment last weekend. Red Tara, as I wrote before, is one of the emanations of Tara, who is seen in the Buddhist tradition to be the consort of the primordial buddha Samantabadhra, and thus the mother of all buddhas. She has 21 emanations, each with different names, appearances, and aspects. Some are white, some are blue, some are golden or orange in color, and so on. One is green — Green Tara — and she is considered to be the main emanation of Tara, and the one that my lineage practices with. I have a friend who practices in a Nyingma lineage, one of the few in the area, and the emanation they practice with is Red Tara. Green Tara is active, possesses karma energy, which is all-accomplishing wisdom, and clears away obstructions. Red Tara is also active, but possesses padma energy, the energy of discriminating awareness, and this is energy that magnetizes. It draws favorable conditions to you, such that you may be a force of greater compassion and positivity in the world.
Last night, I went to a Red Tara tsok that this friend had invited me to. You’re not supposed to talk about these things — what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right? — not because it’s secret, but rather because it helps you to hold the power of that experience close to you. Tsok is also known as “feast practice,” because it involves food that is eaten, and the offerings always include meat and alcohol. There will also be extensive liturgies and sometimes teachings that occur during tsok. This is public information that is common to pretty much all feast practice, by the way. The most important thing is that you need to have empowerment before you can do the tsok practice, and so doing tsok is sort of like activating the empowerment, if that makes sense. In other words, you have been bestowed with a blessing with the empowerment, kind of like a primordial credit card, and then you activate that card through tsok (and other things) so that you can use it. The empowerment charges your karmic bank account, as does the feast practice, as well as would any other virtuous activity, so it’s not like you have any debts to repay, but rather that you’re increasing your good karma balance, so to speak, so that you can make withdrawals for the benefit of others. And, when you make withdrawals, you actually are increasing that good karma balance. (I wish that normal bank accounts worked this way!) This is, of course, a gross oversimplification, but hopefully you get the idea.
So that’s where I’m at. The energy is shifting in my life in a very positive way. One can never predetermine the outcome of such shifts or the events they might trigger, but overall I’d say that things are looking up. I still might have a long row to hoe in front of me, but I do know that I can make it.