I’m not sure how to explain the kind of day I had today. There wasn’t much that really happened, so there’s not much value in going over the events of the day. Of course I haven’t heard a peep from my wife, who is still playing the childish, fingers-in-her-ears, I’m-gonna-ignore-you-and-hope-you’ll-go-away game with me right now. And of course I still continued to reach out to her.
Instead, what struck me about today was the general oddness of its energy. It’s kind of hard to quantify. I was feeling kind of low for some reason. That happens from time to time. I looked at my wife’s blog, which has been mostly dormant since this crisis erupted 6 months ago, and she posted a picture of a bee on an apple blossom. Okay… Guess I was just looking for any evidence there that things might be starting to get strained, although that would be the last place I’d find that.
What I did have plenty of today was barking. Barking, barking, and barking. Our dog is a herding dog and is typically very vocal, so that shouldn’t be unusual. Yet since my marital crisis began 6 months ago, it now occurs to me that the dog has been unusually silent. She just isn’t barking at all sorts of things as she might do when my wife and I were under the same roof. I attribute that to a sort of doggie depression. Today was different. She was very vocal again, and in some unexpected ways. She’d go into her crate, and then bark. She’d go into the bedroom, lie on the floor, and then bark. She’d come into the living room and bark some more. Sure, there were some dogs outside that she could hear, but nothing out of the ordinary. It just all seemed so random.
Dogs are able to sense things that we do not typically pick up on. One of the first things that crossed my mind was that perhaps there was going to be an earthquake. Dogs will do odd things before an earthquake. As a child, I distinctly remember watching one of our dogs circle around in the back yard in an uncharacteristic way about an hour before an earthquake hit. But there was no earthquake. So, I’m not really sure what it was. Maybe it was just a general energetic sense she had of things not being quite right. But it was odd. It wasn’t brief, either. She behaved that way for a couple of hours.
Perhaps you’re wondering what’s up with the photo I chose to feature with this post. It is a bit incongruous, I admit. There’s nothing to it, really. My parents are headed overseas next month and have asked me for some sightseeing advice. I found this picture of a British Airways 747 flying overhead and was reminded of a visit my wife and I made to London a few years ago. We were only there for a few days, as it was a business trip and I brought her along, and she wanted to shop, shop, shop. I wanted to get her to do some sightseeing, and she seemed only to be interested in the insides of stores. This is part of the give and take of marriage. What ended up happening was that my wife realized in the end that we had one day less in the UK that she thought we’d had, and suddenly realized why I was trying to get her to visit at least a few monuments. Then came the apologies… followed by a compromise: I will take you to sightsee in this particular area and make sure that we can stop by the Laura Ashley shop.
Well, that was then and this is now. I’m here in the comfort of my living room, and she is still holed up at Camp What’s-It-There, some 40 miles from here. Honestly, I never believed she’d actually do it, that she’d move in with the adulterer, but it is totally consistent with her abnormally dysfunctional energy. She has a “new path,” a newfangled “life mission” or whatever, and there’s no way she can be wrong about that. It’s a “life transformation,” according to her. Mmmm-hmmmm. Transforming oneself into a destructive, immoral person is not really something to be bragging about, I think.
“The affair always ends.” That was the advice I got, and have been given over and over and over again. “You just have to wait it out, and let it run its course.” So that’s what I’m doing. I’m waiting and waiting. I’m working on myself and reaching out to her. I’m doing as much as I can and being as right as possible in doing it, over and over. Meanwhile she’s behaving like a drug addict who is dialed in to a source for a constant fix right now. I know she’s going to snap out of it pretty soon, that the goggles are going to come off, and that the affair bubble is going to burst. I’m just getting seriously tired of waiting.