Home again

I was up at 4:50 this morning, and left for the airport at 5:30. I had a very uneventful flight — always the best kind — in fact, due to strong tailwinds, we landed 45 minutes ahead of schedule. I picked up my car and arrived home without a hitch around 11:30.

There were, of course, no signs of my wife having been here at all in my absence. The dog was not at home, either. The house was empty and cold. I checked my phone messages and there was nothing significant to report. There was certainly no news from my wife. She ostensibly is happily ensconced at Camp You-Know-What right now, doing whatever it is that adulterers do.

I really don’t get that at all. How do grown adults act like such children? How do they allow themselves to live in outright fairy tale without realizing that it is, in fact, just a fairy tale? How do they stand the constant lies that they have to tell, day in, day out, just to sustain their illicit relationship? How can they bear the constant secrecy, the hiding out, and the worries about getting found out and the embarrassment and humiliation that will entail? How can they endure the pressure of the real world showing its disapproval of their inappropriate relationship in big ways and small? How can they ignore the obvious character flaws? I mean, my wife has to overlook the fact that her “soul mate” is nothing other than an unprincipled liar who feels no compunction violating the sanctity of someone else’s marriage. She also has to ignore the fact that he has lied to his daughter about the nature of his relationship to my wife — to my wife. (I don’t believe that his daughter actually knows that my wife is still married.) How sick in the mind do you have to be to live in such a state of utter denial? How much do you feel you need to avoid the true problems and issues of your life?

Oh, well.

I will get to see my wife this week, once at least. We had arranged for her to come over tomorrow so that we could work on our taxes; she emailed my yesterday to ask if we could meet on Thursday instead so that she can get a haircut tomorrow.

A haircut. Tomorrow. (sigh)

I guess some things are more important than grown-up duties like preparing your taxes. I guess some activities are more valuable than spending time with your husband.

You know what the problem is? I’m just getting tired of all this nonsense. I know what the end of the story is. I know the affair is going to end. I know we’re going to reconcile. I know she’ll come home. I know that in a few months from now she’ll look back on all of this and wonder what the hell she was thinking. I know there is a breakthrough coming, but I also know that that breakthrough will almost certainly be preceded by a breakdown. I just want all this nonsense to end.

I think my problem is that I’m just monitoring things too closely. You know, just watching the progress, the backslides , or the standstills from day to day. I do remember very clearly spending the morning of New Year’s Eve — our anniversary — at the center where I do meditation. I was in the midst of a bit of walking meditation when I had an insight. I had already endured 3 months of crisis by that point, and I realized that I could take the long view. I could endure another 3 months if need be. So here we are, 3 months later, and things are not any better; in fact, they appear to be worse.

I say “appear,” because from the looks of things, the situation is worse. My wife was living at home in December, in January she separated, and in March she actually did move out. She went from pleasant and gift-giving in December to cold and hostile in January.

Inwardly, I suspect the story is very different. She is not hostile to me anymore. She avoids me like the plague, to be sure, but she is not cold to me when we do see each other. She can actually be quite pleasant, she can open up, express tender emotions, and allow herself to be vulnerable around me. She does give me occasional gifts. She does still care, despite all that she says. I suspect that she is living with a tremendous amount of repressed guilt, stress, and worry. Something has got to give. She has made all sorts of threats and even followed through on some of them, and I have still not backed down — I’m standing up for our marriage. That won’t change.

The affair will end. Our marriage won’t. I won’t let that happen, no matter what.