Feeling low, again

Some days are harder than others. Today was just one of those days, I guess. I was tired, both physically and emotionally, and I think this just brought me down a notch or so.

The trigger, as is often the case, was something external. The grapevine has been fairly silent since my wife left the house, and even more so since she packed out of town, but it does speak in weird ways. Recently, this has been of the flavor of people coming to me to ask me about her, and the things that they ask me about tell me volumes about the lies she is telling herself and others. The one thing I learned today is that my wife doesn’t have a place in town anymore. She’s pretty much at Camp You-Know-What full time, as far as I can determine, and she just couch surfs for a couple of days a week when she needs to be in town for professional reasons. I learned that she will be in town the next couple of days at the home of an acquaintance, the mother of one of her students. This woman is separated from her husband, and is apparently trying to dissolve her marriage. This has been ongoing for quite some time: the parents separated probably a year ago or more, and there was crisis even before that. Their daughter, my wife’s student, is about 10 now, and when that crisis began she was about 8, and reacted by pulling out her hair. This is what marital crises do to kids. Parents really need to just get it together and realize that, no matter how awful they might think their problems are, they probably aren’t solving them because they do not have the wisdom, support, or appropriate guidance. Add those ingredients plus a little perseverance and elbow grease, and they could have the marriage of their dreams, rather than a failure that affects themselves and their kids. It really is, in many ways, the height of responsibility for any married couple, and especially those with kids, not to fully explore all their options to reconcile before proceeding down the path of destruction.

So I was a bit disheartened to learn of my wife’s stay with this woman. She is trying to dissolve her marriage on her own without the recourse of lawyers. I believe her husband is more or less cooperative with this idea, so she will probably be successful. I do suspect that my wife wants to compare notes with her. The last time my wife was at home, she spent quite a bit of time on Facebook sending messages back and forth with this woman. You know when you have a sneaking suspicion that something is up? Well, that’s why I was having that suspicion.

The difference, however, is that I am not cooperative with this aspect of my wife’s agenda. It is nothing more than a manifestation of adultery-induced craziness. She even told me herself that she had never even considered something so radical and destructive prior to last November. Everything an adulterer does — everything — all the bad decisions, the lies, the poor judgments, and so on, it’s all due to the affair, all of it.

I am one to over-analyze things, I’ll be the first to admit that. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this post. I need to analyze what’s going on. I am still convinced in my counselors judgment that my wife’s path is crumbling before her eyes, and I do think that her movements this week are a sign of this occurring. She probably feels very desperate at this point. Despite everything she has done thus far, I still continue to reach out to her. And despite everything she thinks she feels or doesn’t feel, she still has significant emotions toward me, and those emotions are primarily positive, very positive.

This is a very inconvenient place to be if you’re having an affair. I cannot imagine her adulterous partner feeling terribly comfortable with the knowledge that I am still reaching out to her so regularly. I sometimes wonder if she tells him that I call her every day for no particularly good reason, or if she hides this from him. I wonder if she tells him about the gifts I give her, if she shows them to him, or if she hides those too. It really is a catch-22 situation for her: if she tells him, he’ll get irritated; if she doesn’t tell him, then she is lying by omission. There already are trust issues, so lying won’t help those. There’s also undoubtedly a lot of pressure, so telling him will just exacerbate that. There really is pretty much no way that she can win this situation, but she has not fully realized that yet. Pretty much everything that she might do at this point is going to help to end the affair once and for all.

So where am I at? Sheesh, I have no idea. Yesterday, my counselor was basically telling me that the finish line was really very close. Today I started to think that maybe it’s actually miles away. I know that not to be true, though. We are now at the point where the rose-colored lenses are going to have to come off, and that the fragile walls of the affair bubble will be stretched to their limit. The one thing that I do know is that in pretty much 100% of the reconciliation cases I’ve become acquainted with so far, the breakthrough seems totally implausible just days before it happens. In fact, not even a week or two before such drastic change happens, it can seem like the situation is totally intractable.

That’s where I’m at. I got down today, because I began to feel like my situation was actually becoming somewhat intractable at this point. I still have no sense for where things are going, how long they’ll take to resolve, and feeling like I’m walking in the dark is really pretty frustrating. Yet I do know that I will achieve my goal, I have no doubt about that. I’m just waiting, and waiting, and waiting… The affair is going to end, and that’s all there is to it.