This has been a weekend like many others. Typically I’d spend my Saturday teaching, and then have Sunday free. My wife never had her Sunday free, though. She would play a church gig in the morning, and then teach at people’s houses all afternoon, wrapping up with a student at home in the evening. Since she never learned how to drive, I would be the one to chauffeur her all over the place. I never really minded this too much, but my wife apparently resented having to work the weekends very much.
Let’s not forget, though, that her line of work as a performer means that her work time is other people’s leisure time. This does mean that you have to work evenings and weekends. Truth be told, during the week she did precious little, so I never really quite understood her beef about having to work over the weekend. But there we are.
What made this weekend different than the many others that have preceded it, both during this marital crisis and before, is that my wife reached out to me to help her with a project.
As I’ve written copiously elsewhere, my wife frequently visits a so-called “energy worker” who apparently does things like chakra tuning. I’m a bit suspicious of that kind of service, since nobody really knows your chakras better than do you (provided you know them), so you might as well tune them yourself. But apparently she has found this service helpful during the course of this crisis, and she felt compelled to write a couple of testimonials about this woman’s work. She asked me earlier in the week if I’d be willing to edit the English translations — the originals are in Japanese — and I said I’d be glad to help out with that.
The first testimonial arrived a couple of days ago, and I fixed that one for her in a hurry. She was very appreciative and liked the work that I did. The second testimonial arrived today. This one I found a bit distasteful. Why? Well, she was referring to “spiritual guidance” that she supposedly is getting from this woman. This guidance apparently overlooks or perhaps even condones grossly immoral things like, say, adultery. Among the things that stuck out about this testimonial was her citing the fact that she had been troubled by guilt, had a congested throat chakra as a result (that’s no unusual!) and that the chakra tunings helped her to alleviate this blockage and attain a more natural emotional functioning.
I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but guilt is guilt. She has loads of it. She is making more of it as I write this. There is no amount of chakra tuning that could possibly alleviate the blockages she has, since as soon as one clears up a bit she loads on more negative actions to block it back up again. It’s all so, I don’t know, stupid.
I think what struck me most about this second testimonial is that it was almost like a confession. An unintentional one, I’d think (although perhaps intentional in a Freudian way), but a confession nonetheless. There she was, telling me by way of this testimonial, “I feel guilty about all of the things I’ve done to you over the past seven months, and I feel guilty about all of the things I’m doing right now and that I might do in the near future.” Of course, she’s not wrong about any of those things she has done, is doing, or might do. Obstinate spouses never are wrong. And they’re doubly not wrong when there is the fog of an affair that clouds everything.
So once again, I am returned to the point of absurdity. This affair is so transparently puerile, so totally lacking in substance, and so utterly devastating to her psyche and emotional health that there is little doubt but that it will come to an end fairly soon. For now, I have to suffer the rank stupidity of what she’s doing: the continued belief that she has met her soul mate, that she is “in love” (i.e. mistaking infatuation for the real thing), that she can plan a future with an adulterer and expect it to work out, et ceteral, so forth, and so on. I was thinking about it this evening, in fact. “How much longer can this go on?” I wondered. It’s already been seven months. Seven months! That’s a long time. At the outside, the affair might last another four or five months, but I think that is highly unlikely. There are way too many pressures and stresses for it to continue on that long, I think. At this point we’re likely looking at weeks to a couple of months. I know I’ve said that before, but I just don’t see it going on forever and ever. I do wonder what sort of nasty surprises she might have up her sleeve for me before it does end, but it is safe to say that it will end, and she will be the absolute last to see it coming.
That brings us back again to these testimonials. Three things happened this past week that defy explanation, if my wife is truly a woman of her word; that is, if I’m to believe what she said two weeks ago about needing to “move on.” Two of these things are the testimonials, and the accompanying requests for help in editing them. The third is her inviting me for coffee. None of these is characteristic of the behavior of a woman who wants to destroy her marriage and leave her husband. They are rather the behaviors of a deeply conflicted soul that is living a lie, and working overtime to believe that lie somehow is credible.
The marriage reconciliation program I’m working has a user forum, and in the past few days the admins accidentally wiped out a month’s worth of posts. I went back and read through a thread and found some posts from a friend who was deeply despondent about her marriage situation. That was at the end of March. She is now in the process of reconciliation. It seems that, when that breakthrough arrives, when the chance finally to reconcile comes, it happens at the most unlikely and seemingly implausible time. I am hopeful that I am approaching that point. These openings in my wife’s armor give me reason for that hope.
It will all be over soon, dear reader. The betrayal will end. The infidelity will stop. And the reconciliation will begin.