Checking in

I had another session with my counselor this morning. It had been about 6 weeks since I last checked in with him, and based on the events of this past week I felt it was time to get his read on things. As per usual, I began by describing the events of the past six weeks; there’s no point in rehashing those here, since one could easily just go back through my archived posts to read first-hand about all that. What I needed was perspective. Why has her energy seemed to shift toward the positive over the past few weeks? Why did she change her Facebook cover photo? Why has she not shied away from spending time with me? Why is it that we can actually have such a good time together?

Well, the reason is because she’s my wife. I know that’s a simple enough answer, but that’s kind of the long and short of it. I’ve known her for a long time, and I know her better than pretty much anyone, and especially far better than the adulterer. I know what she needs. I know what worries her. I know what makes her happy. I know how she reacts to things. I know how she thinks about the world. She is my soul mate. We chose each other, and when I chose to be with her, I chose to be with her for life, not just until things got tough.

My counselor’s assessment of the situation is that things are trending positively. She is not the typical obstinate spouse. Those tend to just blow off their spouses, they turn a cold shoulder, and can be mean and vindictive to boot. My wife is not like that. She has tried to be cold with me, but it doesn’t last. It’s too hard for her to bear. She pretends not to take my calls, but then she listens to all the voice mails. Then she buys me gifts. She wants to celebrate my birthday with me. She offers me her cheek for a kiss. And so on. He (my counselor, that is) feels that it has been my constancy that has gotten us to this point, the fact that I have stood for what is right, not backed down, and shown unconditional love. He even went so far as to say that it probably makes no sense to her at all why I would still be showing her love after all she did.

I show her that love because she’s my wife.

Okay, so where to from now? Basically, the plan is to stay the course. There could be surprises ahead: my wife has her last professional engagement in town this weekend, and after that she might just try to blow me off. The counselor assured me that, if this were to happen, it would just be temporary. He suspected it wouldn’t be that likely, though, and that she’d still keep coming to town and would still try to connect with me. He felt it likely that she is beginning to see things not working out according to her plan, and that it even could be possible that the adulterer was starting to want her to move out. I’m not so sure about that latter part, though. I would not be surprised if there were problems, though. He did assure me that the affair was likely to end pretty soon, and that they are just one argument away from that happening. One thing he said to me was, “if I were immoral enough to date a married woman and to have her live in my house, I wouldn’t want her to be hanging around her husband.” That would certainly explain why my wife appears to be hiding things from him.

That makes sense. It’s been 7-1/2 months now, and this is the time when any relationship starts to become very human. It’s the point at which the infatuation lenses come off and the other person reveals himself as he really is. In this case, that other person is a petty, insecure, immoral, unprincipled, selfish, callous, insensitive, untrustworthy, and unethical person. He’s a liar and a cheat. He is a failure at marriage and relationships. All of the personality traits that led to his other relationships failing will resurface again, and these will be exacerbated by my wife’s own personality quirks. Now, I can handle those quirks: I’ve got the coping skills for that. He does not. He will fail again.

The session ended on a very positive note. Again, I had the encouragement to stay the course, this time with the knowledge that we are definitely in the home stretch. I do see things likely wrapping up short term; rather than looking at weeks to months, I think we’re looking at days to weeks right now. I’ve made predictions before and most of them have been wrong, but somehow I would be surprised if this drags on more than another month or so. When I look at other reconciliation stories, one of the things I’m struck by most is how quickly they turn around, and how implausible those turn arounds seem even 24 hours beforehand. When you read someone’s story of reconciliation and look at where they were just a month before that reconciliation started, you often find a situation that seems desperate and hopeless. Things seldom are desperate and hopeless when it comes to reconciling, though, provided you know what to do.

I guess I should just say “stay tuned”… There are interesting times ahead.