Today marks another dark anniversary, a milestone from the sordid underbelly of relationships. It was eight months ago today, on October 10, 2011, that my wife launched her extramarital affair. It likely had its origins earlier, as she had seen and known about this man for some time, about two years, actually, but she had never really had any contact with him until September 2011, when they became Facebook “friends.” I didn’t think much of it at the time, actually, when they “friended” each other. He began “liking” her various pictures and posts, but there was no contact or communication, as far as I was aware. But it was on October 10 that the affair launched.
He contacted her. They had seen each other the previous day, albeit at a bit of a distance, at a shrine ceremony we were attending. She excused herself from me after the ceremony ended and went looking for him. She did not find him. He reached out to her via Facebook the following day, October 10. It escalated quickly: from initial pleasantries to “I love you,” all in the space of less than 5 days. It was actually quite insane. I learned about all of this a few weeks later.
I don’t think I really need to trace the trajectory of what has happened over these past eight months. That’s all pretty well documented here. She went from relatively unhappy wife to crazed adulteress literally overnight. She will go back from crazed adulteress to unhappy wife in need of healing pretty much overnight as well, I suspect. She has called her becoming an adulteress a “life transformation,” as though it were something positive of which one should be proud. There will be a reverse transformation, of course, and I do think that will happen very soon.
There is no proof that I can cite. Instead, I just have energy that I can sense. The month of May was a weird one. It began with her energy on a very low and dark note, and indeed she threatened to file early in that month and even went to the courthouse to have her paperwork looked over. Then, over the following three weeks, her energy and attitude toward me seemed steadily to improve. It reached what seemed to me to be a high point on the day that we belatedly celebrated my birthday. it was almost like old times with her, and we had a great time.
Then, over the past two weeks, there has seemed to be a contraction. This last time I saw her, her energy was really pretty dark again. She seemed unhappy and rather uncomfortable being around me. I guess I can understand this: she has actualized at least 90% of her agenda, and that happiness she was sure she’d find once she had accomplished her objectives seems to still be elusive. I mean, she’s pretty much done it all: she has moved out, she has attempted to cut off contact, she has moved in with the adulterer, and she has gotten a piano. The only thing she hasn’t done yet is to try to legally destroy our marriage. I think she realizes at this point that this would be a lengthy process, and that she wouldn’t be “free” for well over ayear. Her affair will have long become a footnote to history by that time. But, having accomplished most of her “life-transformation” goals, why wouldn’t she be happy?
Simple. It is hard to be a quitter, a liar, and a cheat. She has custody of our dog this week, and this alone reminds her of all this, because I am the person that gave her that most treasured of gifts six years ago. She spends every day with the reality that she is living a lie, trying to invert the moral wisdom of millions of people, dozens of spiritual traditions, and numerous centuries. One woman’s ego and its attendant rationalizations trumps all.
Except it doesn’t. Reality intrudes in big ways and small. Right now, she’s just a hair’s breadth away from that affair ending for good. All it will take is a good argument. She is prone to blow-ups and melt-downs when she’s stressed out, and I’m sure she’s beyond stressed out at this point. He’ll tire of seeing these happen. It won’t be a fairy-tale relationship anymore. It will be very human. The bloom will be off the rose. Most likely it already is.
Twelve days ago, I had a gift shipped to her brother to congratulate him on completing a course of studies and obtaining a professional license. I even asked my wife it it would be okay to send a gift, and she thought it woudl be a good idea. It should arrive any day, if it hasn’t already, and it will likely cause a stir. The bonds that keep families together are much stronger than the sickly tendrils of infidelity.
I remain very hopeful. But at the same time, I also remain realistic, knowing that these things both can take time, and that an obstinate spouse can still throw some unexpected curve balls at you in their last-ditch attempts to avoid the inevitable. Nevertheless, in time all this shall pass and I am confident that I’ll prevail.