My wife is in town right now, and even as I type this, she is not more than a few miles from here. And today, she was likely not more than a couple of blocks from our home, either visiting a friend, or at a rehearsal. So you would think that maybe she would contact me to pick up the dog for her belated week of custody, right?
We are now entering week three of avoidance, round three. The first round happened in August and lasted five weeks. The second round began in September and lasted for three weeks. This round looks to be of a similar duration to the last one.
The main difference now is that we’ve had a “talk,” in which I pretty much drew lines in the sand. She knows I’m committed and will not be going away, not now, not ever. She also believes herself to be committed to her “path,” which she swears up and down does not and never will involve me.
They say that, in the process of attempting to reconcile a distressed marriage, things always get worse before they get better. I guess I’ve been lucky, in that things never really got that bad, at least in comparison with some stories I’ve heard. So I expect this phase to have a number of bumps and ups and downs, as my wife’s soul gets battered through some serious turbulence. Of course, she takes this out on me in the form of pushback when I do get to see her, and then avoidance that then follows.
Why the avoidance? It’s simple, really. I am an unpleasant reminder of the true reality of her life: she is married, and is committing adultery.
Now, adulterers are a pretty crazy lot. They think up is down, left is right, and right is wrong. They think that the time-tested morals that are universal to most cultures and spiritual traditions simply do not apply to them. They believe that they somehow possess a karmic “get-out-of-jail-free” card, when no such thing exists. The craziest thing, of course, is that they think that their affairs can last forever.
It’s true that you may hear stories of adulterers who had long-term affairs that went on for years and years, right under the nose of the oblivious spouse. I think that these situations happen most often in checked-out relationships in which the spouses are just cohabitating. Long-term affairs have got to be pretty rare in situations where the faithful spouse remains committed and is applying the inexorable yet gentle pressure of unconditional love. That pressure has the power to unseat the most formidable of opponents.
Not that my wife’s adulterer is a formidable opponent. He’s not. He’ll be a thing of the past in due course. But right now, this is as much about her as it is about him. She has issues in her own life above and beyond me that she simply does not want to face. The issues are, in fact, really just one issue: adult responsibilities. You know, things like making a living, saving for retirement, and actively helping your spouse to build the life you want to lead. For the past year, she has decided to check out and to avoid any such responsibilities.
The problem is that you just can’t check out on life without it checking back in on you. It just doesn’t work out that way.
So what do I expect for tomorrow? More avoidance, that’s what. I seriously doubt that she will try to contact me at all. I also don’t think that she will try to stop by the house to pick up the dog while I’m gone. She’ll just spend another week in the land of obliviousness, and will probably want to pick up the dog next week, just before Thanksgiving.
Of course, a lot of things could happen between now and then. Her behavior right now is indicative of things not being all that healthy in her “relationship” with the adulterer. I imagine she feels to be under a lot of pressure right now. It’s got to be hard to live a lie 24/7, especially when you know deep down that it is a lie (adulterers all know this) and that, no matter how hard she might try to devote herself to this “path” she’s on, it’s never not going to be a lie.
Well, that’s enough for the musings for today. I’ve had a long work day already, and have another one lined up for tomorrow. I’m still awaiting the inevitable demise of the affair. It’s coming, rest assured, and it will probably be a huge surprise when it does happen.