Today was a black day. It was the blackest day in the history of my marriage, for me, at least.
For my wife, that day of infamy will forever be March 27, 2013. On this day, she went to the county superior courthouse and filed dissolution of marriage papers.
As of this writing, I have been neither notified nor served. So how exactly did I come by this information? Simple: my wife is terrible at hiding her tracks.
I went online this morning to check our bank account balances; I get paid monthly, so the budget always gets tight toward the end of the month. It’s a dance I’ve been doing for a number of months now, and I still haven’t really gotten used to it. Logging on to our bank’s web portal, I found my wife’s checking account to have diminished by nearly $300. In fact, the amount looked suspiciously similar to the filing fee for divorce cases in our county. The transaction was paid by check, and my bank scans these and makes copies available for viewing online. I clicked on the transaction, and up popped a copy of that check, made out to our local courthouse.
This was not a good revelation.
I then went over to the website of our state court system, as they make all of these records available. I input my name, and found the court case. Yes, she had filed. She also filed a confidential information sheet, ostensibly to keep her current address secret from me. There has been a court date assigned already. In this state, court dates for contested cases — which she filed for by default, basically — are automatically approximately 11 months out. Our court date, should this go to trial, is February 24, 2014.
February 24… that’s my father’s birthday. He will be 83 years old on that day next year. You bet I will proactively get that date shifted if I can.
The confirmation of this revelation was definitely not a good thing.
How did I feel? Let me give you a list: betrayed, disappointed, tortured, abused, disrespected, disposable, sad, angry, depressed — you name it, I pretty much felt it.
It sucks. Big time.
Now, I know there are a lot of people out there in my situation who have been dealing with looming court cases for some time. I guess I have felt lucky that I have not had to walk that path. Now I’m walking that path with them.
There is, however, something tremendously incongruous about this situation. I last spoke with my wife on March 16. This was an unexpectedly positive connection that came on the heels of some pretty unpleasant, business-like exchanges with her via email. The woman I spoke to on that day did not have the energy of a woman who would be filing for divorce 11 days later, not at all. The energy that woman had was that of a person who had walked a very tiring and guilt-ridden path, and who was leaving the door open — wide open — to the possibility of coming home.
That is, I assert right now, the woman my wife still is. So how on earth did this happen? A person with that kind of emotional energy does not up and file for divorce.
I’ll tell you how: the adulterer pushed her to do it. No, I have no proof. However, the timing is really kind of suspicious. It was just over a year since she moved out and about a year since she moved in with him. I can’t help but think that he has begun to tire of her failure to follow through with what must be his pet project of destroying our marriage. I just cannot imagine but that he gave her an ultimatum: file or it’s over.
Really, this is quite, I dunno, insane. I mean, it’s been 17 months already. Seventeen months. In affair terms, that’s advanced senescence, making it the affair equivalent of a 70-year-old. The affair cannot be healthy. If anything, it’s likely on its way out, and this is a rather warped and disgusting ploy to try to keep it on life support a bit longer. I seriously doubt it could last another eleven months.
No, in fact, it’s not unlikely that this will serve as a wake-up call for both of them. How? Well, if I do get served, I’ll disagree with the terms laid out on the petition. That should not be hard to do. She left her preliminary work lying around the house many months ago — over a year ago, in fact, and I saw the one that she took to the courthouse in April of last year to have them check it over. It was riddled with errors. She did not even have basic information, like the financial she would need to file. She has not asked for any of this information, either. Odd that it took her a full year to make it back to the courthouse to try to make it real by filing those papers.
Make it real. Make. It. Real. Hmmmm, let me think about that for a moment.
Affairs are all about fantasy, and not about reality. Well, with this legal action, my wife just made her situation real. Very, very real. And by forcing her to do this (if in fact that’s what happened), he just made his situation real as well. Very real. This adulterer has no frame of reference for a husband who would stand and fight for his marriage after this long. Heck, he was probably seriously confused by my appearance at her concert last December. But really, I do not know what he thinks, nor do I care.
What I care about is getting my wife out of that sick, sclerotic situation. What I care about is helping her return to reality, after having run as fast as possible away from it for the past 17 months. What I care about is making our lives whole instead of blowing them to smithereens. What I care is about love, not hatred. What I care about is honoring our promises, both to each other and to the world. This is the moral path.
So, dear reader, I close with one request. If you feel so moved, please donate to this blog. I haven’t come out with my upturned cap for a long time, because my financial position has taken a turn for the better. Well, while it is better, I simply do not have the wherewithal to pay extensive legal fees, should it come to that. Heck, even a one-time consult with an attorney would probably knock out most if not all of my discretionary income.
Well, actually I have one more request. In my last post, I closed by asking for your prayers. I’m going to do that again. Monetary donations are helpful, and may actually be essential on the mundane level. But it is your supreme aspirations in the form of prayers that would mean more to me than anything. It does not matter what your faith or wisdom tradition is. They’re all equally good. If you have prayer lists you can put us on, so much the better. It does not matter that you might not know my “real” (mundane) name; just saying something like “Rodion and his wife” would suffice. The power of your aspiration will get your prayers sent in the right direction. Please pray that she have an awakening. Please pray that it happen soon. Please pray that the adulterer also have an awakening, and soon.
You can count on me to keep fighting for what’s right.