Today, I came across an excellent précis of the fiction that is adulterous “love.” If you are suffering from adultery, and think for some reason your spouse’s mistress (or mister) is the “real deal,” please take the time to read through the whole thing. It’s a short read, extremely well written, thoughtfully explicated, and well worth the few minutes it will take you to read.
To whet your appetite, here’s an “executive summary,” by way of a few of key paragraphs:
You confuse an emotional experience, i.e. the affair, with the person who you are having the affair with and believe you “need” that person to keep and preserve that experience. Willing to risk almost anything to legitimize the affair, you call it “love.”
Understanding this distinction can be one of the most important steps to ending an affair and recovering from infidelity.
Love, here, is a personally constructed narrative – a story – which we vehemently adhere to because we need it to be true. After all, so much depends upon it being real. The possibility of “true love”, the confirmation that “soul mates” exist, the justification for destroying families, leaving spouses, children, jobs and friends – all MUST be justified with legitimacy and purpose. Otherwise, those of us in affairs are nothing but hedonistic idiots.
The stage is set for grandiosity and narcissistic self-indulgence. On this platform, all manner of illogical and nonsensical choices are made. We are in pursuit of a valid human need – deep intimacy and belonging. Yet, we are moving toward our fated demise. Authentic love, based on friendship, history and seasoned emotionality, can never result from affair love, which is grounded in escape, deception and illicit illusions. Anything based upon deception is destined to fail. Period. Without integrity, life simply doesn’t work.
The full text is at iVillage, and it seems to have been posted on one of that site’s forum’s by a member who appears to have committed adultery. The perspective of the formerly cheating spouse can be very helpful to those who are suffering from active, ongoing affairs, helping to keep things in perspective, i.e. the affair is a fantasy, a house of cards, and it will eventually blow down. Or, as Mort Fertel would say, “you’ve just gotta hang in there long enough for it to end.”
Again, you can read the full text by clicking here. Please do read it. Believe me, if this topic is relevant to you, you won’t regret the time you spent reading it.