Better late than never

Thus far, today has been a pretty good day. My wife returned home mid-morning today. Once again, she looked like hell. I swear to you, this woman just isn’t sleeping. I don’t think she has had a decent night’s sleep in months. She even admitted to me a couple of weeks ago that she has trouble sleeping through the night. She’ll get some sort of thought or other that triggers fear, panic, or something else, and then she can’t sleep. I must say I can relate to this. At any rate, it was good to see her again.

She went into her office and found all of the mail and FedEx deliveries that had amassed in her absence, and she went straight for those. Then, she found the Valentine’s Day gift that I had left her, and she opened that. She came out a few minutes later and thanked me for the gift and the message (the card I’d left with the gift). She then told me that she wanted to take me out to one of her favorite cafés as a belated Valentine’s Day gift to me. So, off in the car we went.

The café itself is a Japanese-style French café. Imagine a French café in Tokyo, run entirely by Japanese people, representing in a somewhat authentic way an early 20th-century Parisian café, offering French pastries and other light dishes, all served with a Japanese twist. That’s what this place is like. It’s tiny, seats maybe 8 people, so it was a nice, cozy place for a “date.” On our way there, we saw a billboard advertising a Gaugin exhibition, and I got a tentative date to take her to that next week.

Once at the café, we browsed the pastries on offer, and the owner began describing them in Japanese to me and my wife, before he realized that perhaps I might not understand. I told him it was okay: my comprehension for these kinds of things is pretty good. This was a big plus for me: my wife’s lover has basically no ability with the Japanese language, and this interaction doubtless reminded her not only of all my efforts to learn Japanese, but also our trips there, interactions with friends, family, and so on. We ended up having a pretty nice time, and there were no uncomfortable or unpleasant topics of discussion that arose.

After the café, we went next door to a little frame shop that sells cards, jewelry, and other small gifts in addition to the business they run in professionally framing photos and artwork. My wife was looking for a birthday gift for a friend, and found a small journal with illustrations of Alphonse Mucha on the cover. She liked it so much that she bought one for herself as well. She then asked me if I would like to have a journal; I told her I already had one, but she seemed like she really wanted to buy me one, so I assented. She picked out a very beautiful (and quite expensive) one that was done in Baroque style. It turns out that these journals are produced by a small company in Vancouver, BC, locally produced and bound by professional bookbinders. She had both my journal as well as the one for her friend gift-wrapped. I thought that was a very thoughtful touch.

We then returned home, and she spent the rest of the day there. She asked me if I could give her a lift to and from her gig tonight, and I told her I’d be happy to do so. This particular gig she has does carry some bad memories, though: it was during one of these rehearsals 3 months ago that I discovered her affair. But I try not to let memories of the past haunt me, as they’re just thoughts. She also asked me if we could regularly meet on Wednesdays to work on her dissertation. That’s also a big plus. I must say it was nice to have her home all day.

I suppose the strangest part of all this is that I really have no idea where I stand at this point. Often she will come home from these weekend jaunts in a foul mood, looking to keep me at arm’s length, if not actively trying to push me away. Today, her tone was quite a bit softer. I really do not know why, although I suspect that my gift did get to her on some level. But, as far as I know she is still planning on moving in with the adulterer at the end of the month. I have not heard otherwise, but bearing in mind that I heard of this plan through the grapevine I suppose I’d hear of its negation in that way as well.

One thing I can say about this whole process is that it has been wildly unpredictable and tremendously unstable. Her behavior, moods, and plans are extremely fickle, and seem to change from week to week if not from day to day. Tomorrow she has another appointment with the “energy worker;” this person encouraged her to take her time and soften her behavior toward me as a means of making her relationship with the adulterer possible (encouraging adultery: what kind of advice is that?). I suppose time will tell as to what kind of advice she’ll get tomorrow. It is clear to me that the affair is really wearing her down. She definitely seems unrooted and destabilized. As much as she wants to leave this house, I’m just not convinced that she’s going to do it. I think it is probably very hard for her to have no fixed domicile, and it is probably also very hard to be facing the prospects of moving in with someone with whom you are having an illicit relationship. Although she’s tried to get people to buy into it, few seem to have done so, and there are doubtless many others, including her parents, who continue to disapprove. I suspect that her father will be furious if he finds out that she intends to move in with this guy. On top of that, she will need to be in touch with me, but would be unable to tell me where she is. She’d have to maintain some sort of constant lie about her living situation, and sooner or later that would weigh down on her as well.

Long story short, I have absolutely no idea where I stand. Then again, I suspect she feels the same way as well. For now, I’ll take whatever positive signs I can get.

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