Boredom, Emptiness, Contact

Yesterday, something curious happened: my wife contacted me, totally out of the blue. It was the first contact she has initiated with me in over a month. As with the last time she contacted me, this contact was also by email. It started in a similar vein, too, thanking me for my messages and such.

Then, she told me that she had heard from her brother, who had related that her parents had received Christmas cards from both me and my sister. (I had no idea my sister had sent them one; she has been doing this for years, so I guess she felt like she should just continue to do so.) She said that her parents felt uncomfortable or perhaps pressured, because they know of our situation. And so, she asked me not to do this anymore.

Do what, exactly? Stop sending Christmas cards? I have contacter her parents exactly twice since this whole mess started about 14 months ago, and on both occasions I have been very careful to be respectful, and to not give them any pressure whatsoever. This Christmas card said nothing more than “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,” and carried my signature. There’s certainly no pressure involved in that. I have no idea what my sister’s card said (although I do know what it looked like, because I got one, too), however I can’t imagine it said much more than did the card I sent.

So what does this pressure mean? Who knows. It could be nothing. Or it could be that her parents were expressing continued discomfort with her and her chosen course of actions. Or it could be something else. What’s clear to me is that, if they do feel discomfort, it’s not because of my sending that card, but rather what the receipt of that card reminds them of: what their daughter has become.

My response to my wife’s request was, well, nothing. Instead, I told her that I had something I needed to talk to her about, and asked her to call me. This led to a back-and-forth exchange in which she insisted on knowing what I wanted to talk about before she’d call. I was not trying to be coy, but told her that I would rather not discuss it by email. Still, she tried to hold me off, saying she would not call unless I gave her this information. I somehow knew that this was all smoke and mirrors.

I had to work a half day, and so I was more or less out of touch with her most of that time. I did get an email or two in which she additionally asked me to stop sending emails to her (now, formerly) primary email account, and to use her (formerly) über secret email account instead. Why the insistence upon this change? Simple: the former account uses her married surname (mine); the latter account uses her maiden name. I decided to choose my battles wisely and just to give in on this one.

When I got home from work, the back-and-forth continued a bit longer. I still did not give in on the original topic I wanted to discuss, and she was really adamant about wanting to know. So, I told her that I simply now wanted to talk about her emails to me that day. You now what response she gave me? Heh – she said that she didn’t have her cell phone with her.

What??? In fact, my response to this started thusly: ?????

It was all smoke and mirrors after all. I told her that she could just give me a phone number and I’d call.

Crickets. Nada. Zilch.

So why bother to contact me, then? Well, you see, the adulterer was out of town. I found this out via his very public Facebook postings that indicated that he was leaving town to give a Very Important All-Day Seminar. This Very Important All-Day Seminar was located 500 miles away: a quick, 45-minute flight, or a dreary, seven-hour journey by car. I neither know nor care how he got there, but I do know that he did not take my wife — and this from the same man who whisked her overseas for a few days just two short months ago. Why become a cheapskate all of a sudden?

Since the adulterer was very public about this 500-mile trip, he did get around to posting pictures today of this Very Important All-Day Seminar. This Very Important All-Day Seminar attracted a total of five people: the adulterer himself, the person who invited him to give this Very Important All-Day Seminar, and then three other people. That is Very Important, indeed.

(I think you may be detecting a bit of sarcasm, or perhaps derision, dear reader, although I like to think of it as facetiousness.)

What’s important here is that my wife has now established a pattern: when the adulterer is away, she contacts me. That’s how it happens. He went overseas without her in May, and we had another back-and-forth, albeit a much more pleasant one, back then. Her previous communication with me occurred while he was gone as well, although he probably was only gone for the day. It’s interesting to reflect on what this might mean: that life ain’t so grand up there in Camp C-S (if you know what I mean), and that, when the distraction of having the adulterer around is gone, she probably feels lonely and empty. I do know this from what others have related: even when a wayward spouse is with the affair partner, they still very often have this sense of internal emptiness, and that only magnifies when the affair partner is not there.

It does seem there are signs (and I don’t really want to get into those right now) that she really isn’t happy with the state of affairs up there at Camp C-S these days, and that her efforts to stonewall me have been a futile attempt to rectify matters by blaming the relational malfunctions on the presence of the spouse, virtual or otherwise. Blame it on whatever you want, there’s nothing that can make an adulterous relationship work out, since such relationships are poisoned from day one.

Thus it seems that I’ve just got to be patient a little bit longer while this farce winds down and collapses like the house of cards that it is. If you’ve read many of my posts, you probably have the sense that I am a very patient person.

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