I love my wife. Those are four words that I think many men facing the kind of crisis I am would have a hard time saying. I mean, she has spurned me, betrayed me, lied to me, abandoned me, you name it. But I still love her. Why is that?
Love is irrational. Love transcends ego. Love transcends attempts to put boundaries around it and attach ideas to it. Love just is. It isn’t ours to own, either. It’s way too primordial for that. So I admit it might sound strange to think that today, with my wife 237 days from the start of her affair — that’s nearly 8 months — that I still love her.
It just makes the pointlessness of her life trajectory right now that much harder to bear. She sent me a text yesterday, asking me to put some money in her checking account. $180, to be precise. She was expecting a paycheck to come, and I guess she was going to use that money for something or other. I have a lot of bills to pay this time of month, and I simply cannot pay the bills and honor her request. I think she has probably written a rubber check, and it will just have to bounce.
Tonight she has a concert. I emailed her a couple of days ago to see if I was invited. I did not expect a response. She emailed this afternoon to ask me not to come, as it would make her feel uncomfortable. She said that there will be friends there who “know about our situation.” Well, if they know about our situation, that means two things: 1) she violated my privacy, and 2) there should be no discomfort. I mean, if she’s blabbed to these people — and she’s blabbed to anyone and anyone who would listen — then what’s the big deal, right?
Here’s the big deal: the adulterer is going to be there. I’m pretty certain of it. I expect that she plans to introduce him to various and sundry people. If I’m there, then the situation becomes very uncomfortable, right?
So, I’m not going. The music is definitely not my taste, and under normal circumstances I would only go if she asked me to go and to give her support. My support does not seem to be desired.
You know what else I did? I got out my I Ching and posed a couple of questions. Yes, I’m an amateur, but it’s uncanny the kinds of answers that I get. The questions were a) what happens if I go to the concert tonight, and b) what happens if I don’t go? For “a” the answer was “hindrance,” alternating to “retreat”. Hindrance is sort of what it sounds like; retreat, however, is actually seen as a positive: one bides one’s time and strengthens one’s reserves. So there would likely be discomfort, but a positive outcome eventually. For “b” the answer was “humbleness,” alternating to “brilliance injured”. This interpretation is far more auspicious: humbleness is a very auspicious quality, and the transformation indicates that one simply needs to bide one’s time and wait for the negative circumstances to pass. The inner meaning of this interpretation is “relief”: that relief from hardship is sure to follow.
This was enough to convince me to stay away. I do have alternatives, anyway: Green Tara practice is tonight. There will be far more benefit from me doing that than there will be in my sitting at that concert causing discomfort.
I love my wife. She might be nuts right now, but I still love her.