Before I get started here, I’d just like to welcome to all the visitors dropping by from the Marriage Sherpa website. Apparently I created a crosslink when I posted to one of their articles earlier today, and I’ve gotten a number of click-throughs. (No, I don’t know who you are… I just can see the referring website through my web statistics.) Please have a look around, and feel free to leave a comment or drop me a line if you have questions about any of the resources or other things. Welcome aboard the reconciliation train! It’s a good place to be, but the journey is difficult, but rewarding at the same time.
Anyway, back to business here…
Remember that Thompson Twins song “Lies“? It just came to mind today, for some reason. I never really liked that song, or the Thompson Twins for that matter (please don’t hold this against me if you are or were a fan), but the tag line “lies, lies, lies, yeah” popped into my head a couple of times over the course of the day.
Why? Well, when you’re dealing with a wayward spouse, you can expect lies. A lot of them. Actually, it’s kind of astonishing how a more or less trustworthy and honest person can transform into a deceitful, pathological liar, and call this a “life transformation.” I suppose it is a transformation of sorts, but not a good one.
So what’s she lying about, and how do I know? First, the latter: we have a lot of friends and colleagues in common, and the lies she tells them sometimes come to me. For example, a couple of weeks ago my wife apparently told people that she was sick with the flu, and even told one person that she had developed pneumonia. She did this so that she could stay at Camp You-Know-What for another day or two. It was a bit of a surprise when a couple of people came to me to tell me that they hope my wife is feeling better. I was taken aback, but then again none of these people knows that my wife no longer lives at home.
Her latest lies come to me again via colleagues. She told one that she cannot take some work because she is teaching all weekend long. This is manifestly untrue: she hasn’t taught anyone anything on a Saturday or Sunday since December. These are her “sacred” days of adultery. She’ll be up at the adulterer’s house and will not be anywhere near town, and will certainly not be doing anything remotely resembling teaching. If you’ve read enough of my posts, you might recall that one of my wife’s biggest beefs with me was that she had to work the weekends. Never mind the fact that during the week she did almost no work; working 12 hours over the weekend was just too much to ask. These lies are quite blatant, as are all of the lies that directly have to do with her covering up her infidelity. Worse yet, she has a couple of friends who are also running cover for her, and who are telling lies as well. I received an email two days ago from the friend she has been staying with these past 3 months, and it contained a very blatant lie in it as well. It was obliquely worded, but it basically assured me that my wife would be at her house over the weekend, when I actually know this to be untrue.
Then there are the more subtle lies, which are often more of the tone of this latter lie I received from this friend. My wife has a blog that she has been writing for about 6 years now. She started it to keep her family and friends back home apprised of her daily life, and it was a very positive activity for her that she got a lot of joy from maintaining. She used to post to her blog several times a week, and sometimes as often as every day. Since this crisis began in October, she has posted a total of 17 times. That equates to about one post every week and a half. This says a lot: she would post about all the various and sundry minutiae of our lives, all good and positive stuff. Now she has to keep not just the minutiae but the gross details of her life largely a secret. Her most recent posts have contained pictures that she took at the adulterer’s place, but these were taken in such a way that the location could not really be identified. Unless, of course, you recognize the location as someplace other than our matrimonial household, and also someplace other than the location she has been staying these past 3 months. I also know that she has posted things to her Facebook account, but she has blocked me, unilaterally and without provocation, so I have no idea about the details of what she’s posting there. Not only is this bad form, it’s just stupid strategy: she sort of wants to go public with the affair, but is still ashamed to do so, I think. That’s a good thing. The more brash she tries to be about this, the more likely it is to blow up in her face.
You might be wondering by now what any of this has to do with the photo I’ve featured with this post, since it’s just a picture of dog pawprints in a light dusting of snow — a picture I took a bit over 5 years ago. It has to do with two things, actually. First, my wife’s blog centers around her dog, and her most recent post was of the dog taking a nap in the sun in someone’s backyard. I know it’s not our backyard. This brings us to the other thing: the lie told obliquely to me by my wife’s friend, the woman whose house she has been staying at for the past 3 months. This woman obliquely assured me that my wife was at her house by saying that the dog was comfortable and happy to be spending the weekend there. Ah, yes, it’s so good to have friends lie to you as well: it just makes the flimsy walls of the adulterous situation even flimsier. The picture my wife posted was decidedly not taken in the backyard of this friend’s house. Not at all. So how do I know it was taken at the adulterer’s house? Well, where else would she be? I wasn’t born yesterday, you know, and the evidentiary trail for what she does on weekends is so thick at this point that finding her right now would be a complete no-brainer.
But I’m not gonna go there, no sir. I suspect, from this most recent batch of lies I’ve been exposed to, that she is all but moved into this adulterer’s house. I mean, I don’t think she is officially moved in there, but rather that she is spending all but about 2 days per week there. I think that’s her rhythm as of the past couple of weeks. Does this bother me? Yes and no. Yes, in that I have less access than before. No, in that the increased level of contact will make that relationship wind down that much faster. And if I’m right about all this, then there is additional tension in her life owing to the fact that I do not “know” that she is there, and also owing to the fact that she cannot tell me about it. I just won’t let her talk about such nonsense.
Lies, lies, lies… yeah… great.