No change

She didn’t come home this morning, she didn’t come home this afternoon. She did come home this evening.

That’s what I know. What else I know is that things haven’t seemed to change in my favor. 4 days with the adulterer must have been a good thing for her “soul,” since she seemed neither depressed nor conflicted.


I guess I had really been hoping for a blow-up between the two of them, a blow-up based on the massive amount of stress, guilt, and other horrible emotions she likely feels right now. But, I guess that when they’re together, they get to just disengage from reality and live in the space of the fairy tale. That seems to be what has happened. And to think that, just last week, she was thinking about “taking a break” from “the relationship.” Oh, well.

I was home most of the morning, and left for the office early afternoon. She had not returned home during that time, but I did know she was in town, since I saw evidence of where she was from our online bank activity. I pretty much knew where she was; she had a job in another part of town this afternoon, so she took the bus there and back.

I was gone when she came home, but left a book for her to discover. She found it alright, but made no comment. It’s still on her desk. I got home pretty late, and she was teaching a student here. Our dog had pooed in the bedroom in three different places. This seems to be a pattern when she’s around — the dog reacts viscerally. This never happened before the current crisis. The student is a girl who is about 10 years old, of mixed Taiwanese and American parentage. Her parents are currently getting divorced. This was, and likely still is, a very stressful situation for the girl, as last year, when that crisis began to brew, she pulled out most of the hair on the front of her head — bangs gone, and not much left for about 3 inches behind that. She also pulled out some of her eyebrows. This is what divorce does to kids, and believe me, it’s at least one reason why parents should try to reconcile at all costs. The parents are really pretty disconnected, and they forgot to pick their daughter up. The mother arrived about 15 minutes late.

The wife and I had a cordial enough exchange, she seemed fairly happy to see me, and we exchanged pleasantries in the kitchen. But it was clear to me from her behavior that the affair was not over, and in fact appeared to be far from it. What I did not see from her was any kind of coldness or drive to do something stupid, like push for separation, divorce, etc. But, she did tell me that she was going back over to her friends’ house tonight. I offered her a ride, and she declined. She also told me that she has a massage appointment tomorrow morning about 10 miles from here. This is in the same general location as her hair salon she took the 2-hour bus ride to last week. I offered her a ride, and again, she declined. That’s fine, let her enjoy the long, long, bus ride with 3 transfers.

Actually, in a way this recent development (i.e. no change) is a good thing for me. I’ve been slowly detaching, in a loving way, from her, such that she does not occupy me every thought and action in the way she has for the past 3 months. I just can’t do it. She’s not here enough, she’s showing me she wants to detach, and actually that’s just going to be part of her process, I guess. She needs to go out and hit rock bottom before she rebounds and comes back. I’m just going to have to wait this one out, and it sucks. But, the good side is that I now get to make myself the highest priority. I get to work on me, and make myself the best husband that the world has seen. I get to let go of her nonsense and put myself first for a change. Whatever happens in this marriage from this point on out is not going to be because I want to reconcile so much as it is going to be because I want to be a better person. In truth, that’s the only thing that will bring her back, anyway. So now it’s time for me to get to work, and knuckle down for the long, hard slog that’s up ahead.

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