Selling the Farm for a Fantasy

As some of you may know, my wife’s affair began at a shrine some 40 miles north of here. It is the only one of its kind in North America, and the adulterer was a high-level member of that shrine and a long-time student of its priest. As an odd coincidence, on the second visit I made to that shrine about four years ago, the adulterer was the first person I encountered there. One of my wife’s attractions to the adulterer was the fact that they “shared” the same spiritual tradition, supposedly, at least.

Early on in their affair, the priest’s wife got wind of the situation and criticized them quite harshly, and in a very public fashion—via Facebook. Names were not mentioned, but the recipients of the criticism were clearly implied. I believe that it was around this time that relations got strained with the priest.

A couple of important details to note at this point: first, the adulterer lives about 2 miles from the shrine, which is located near a tiny little town out in the middle of nowhere; second, as far as I know, the adulterer helped to build that shrine. So, it is a significant action to want to remove oneself from the shrine and its community.

But that is exactly what appears to have happened. The adulterer seems to have stopped attending ceremonies. As far as I can tell, he has not attended any ceremonies there for at least a year. I believe he and my wife were essentially told that they were not welcome. The priest and his wife do not want a scandal, after all. The inner circle of senior shrine members recently went to visit Japan; normally, the adulterer would have gone with them, as this was a major event and a serious honor. He did not go.

Fast forward to today. The adulterer posted some random nonsense on his Facebook page—and I do mean nonsense: one of those internet memes that consists of a picture with text plastered on it—and one of his “friends” commented about having met his daughter and son-in-law and so forth. Apparently the two met at the shrine, and this was mentioned by this “friend.”

The adulterer replied by saying that the “shrine” (and he used quotes, oddly enough) was out of the picture now, and went on to say that it was a long story, but his departure from the shrine was for the better.

You get that, folks? He gave up his spiritual life and 17-year relationship with the priest for what? An affair, that’s what.

This is what affairs do. They pickle brains and poison minds. They let loose a torrent of social disapproval that eventually amounts to a tidal wave, against which they attempt to swim. It must all become tiring.

At this point, it appears that all the adulterer and my wife have are the superficial pretences that they shovel out into the world via Facebook or other social media. You know, stuff like: “hey, look at this zucchini we grew,” or “we’re making pickles,” or other dross. So long as others buy into it, they manage to keep the raft afloat another day.

But that raft is full of holes by now. My wife is an incredibly stressed-out creature these days. She is volatile and has a short fuse that is ready to blow at any moment. She is working overtime to try to keep out dissent in any form—including me, of course—yet reality now delivers nothing other than dissent. She has got to be under severe pressure: while he could just walk away from all this (and throw her out into the cold), she cannot do so that easily. She left her home for this person. She poisoned friendships and family relations for this adulterer. She cut ties with colleagues and quit jobs for the sake of this infidel. She basically put her entire life on the line for the fantasy this con-artist was peddling, and she got swindled.

He may think he’s in control, but he does not know my wife. He does not know how short her fuse gets when she is under stress. He does not know how quickly she’ll blow her fuse. He does not know how explosive these situations can be. He may have seen glimpses of these tendencies—chances are good that he has—but he has never seen them in all their glory. I have. I know how to deal with them. I have the cool that can dispel the hot torment of that mental anguish. He simply has ego that will feed those fires.

I’m telling you friends, as we enter this final phase of their grossly immoral relationship, things will get ugly up there at Camp You-Know-What. Really, really ugly. It will not be a pretty ending. It seems affair endings rarely are anything other than ugly, and this one will be no exception.

There are some events scheduled for this week that will prove to be very stressful for my wife. Depending on their outcome, life up at Camp YKW (a.k.a. Camp C-S; long-time readers will know this acronym) will likely begin to look very, very different—and not in a good way. This could happen very, very soon. The karma of this situation is ripening. I’ve seen it begin to ripen over the past two weeks and those seeds of malevolence that were planted nearly two years ago have begun to bear their fruit, and that fruit is quite poisonous.

But, that’s what happens when you sell the farm for a fantasy. You don’t actually sell the farm—you can’t; instead you have to continue living on it. But, the harvest is spoiled by tainted fruit and putrid vegetables. Innocent little shoots have turned into noxious weeds. All the health is choked out of the soil, and soon nothing will grow anymore. That’s when the affair dies. It happens either suddenly or gradually, but it dies nonetheless. The fantasy goggles come off and the reality of adulterous life becomes evident. The adulterers recognize the cartoons they have become, and worse yet, they see the cartoonish buffoon they considered to be each other’s “partner” and rapidly begin to notice the grotesque defects that buffoon bears. It is a time of rude awakenings.

Wiser people saw this coming for months and months. But wiser voices were shunned. They were too “conventional,” and did not truly “understand.” The fantasy was singular, unique, and “special.” It suspended all of the worlds moral and ethical codes or rendered them unnecessary.

But none of that matters now. The farm has been sold. Or, more accurately, it is in foreclosure and its residents are getting turfed out. Morality and Ethics are the repo-men of reality, and they have come to reclaim their ground. The only question that remains is how long the eviction process will last.

16 thoughts on “Selling the Farm for a Fantasy”

  1. Both of them are living in an unconscious state — reacting, not choosing. They’re assuming the grass is always greener, and not realizing that the answer lies within themselves, not with other people. Take good care of yourself.

    1. Yes, that’s basically it. I saw my wife a couple of days ago and she is truly spiraling out of control right now. The affair may keep her “medicated” a bit, but she is very unstable and extremely unhappy right now. I guess this is what it looks like when things start to fall apart in the fantasy world adulterers live in. It requires a lot of stability on my end—and I’ve got plenty of that—to put up with some of the unprecedented and unexpected pushback I’ve received recently.

      1. Just wondering how you’re doing, rodion. I hope that whatever is going on, you’re finding peace and joy every day, especially knowing that you are in control of how you feel about life (not your wife and what she chooses to do or not do). Take good care.

        1. Thanks for checking in, Mary. I’ve been very busy recently, and there really has not been a whole lot of news. There’s been perhaps a tiny shift in my wife’s attitude, but honestly it’s kind of hard to tell.

  2. Hi Rodion,

    Has there been any change in the relationship dynamics since your last court date? I have been following for many months and continue to Pray for your marriage, along with your personal healing. I wish there was some magic advice i had to share, but from my own journey, i believe in who my Wife used to be and try to leave a path back home by being the best Father i can be while she abandoned myself, along with our Son. I hope she redevelops her conscience and does not continually see me as a threat to her “happiness”.

    You obviously love your Wife very much as well and i hope she feels that way for you again someday.

    1. Thanks for your comment. I’ve been very busy with work and also with life in general, so I really haven’t had the time or energy to update recently.

      There have been changes to her attitude, but they have not been good. Things seem to be falling apart in her life and stressing her out terribly, and this has manifested in some pretty unexpected yet (paradoxically) quite predictable ways. I’ll probably post more about this later, but as it becomes increasingly clear that I refuse to cooperate with her ploy to destroy our marriage—even now, so many months later—it makes her frustrated and angry. Ostensibly, she’s got the adulterous lover leaning on her harder and harder, and in fact I actually more or less know this (through recent events) to be the case. Not only that, it appears to me that the adulterer himself is feeling pretty stressed out about all of this. There have been confrontations, actually. Things are not good up there at Camp Chickens**t, which, by the way, seems to have earned its name in more than one way.

      What I hope I am witnessing here is the end-stage of her dysfunctions, and that probably is more or less what’s going on. Again, I’ll have more to write about this, but I’m not sure I’ll get to it before the end of the week.

      I do appreciate your thoughts and prayers very much, and am confident that they have the desired effect. I pray myself every night for all of the people dealing with marital discord, and also for the wayward and obstinate spouses, with the aspiration that they awaken and return to their marriages.

      1. I am in a very similar holding pattern mysrlf, minus any divorce actions. I finally, after she has moved out 20 months ago, have filed via the Department Of Human Resources, for Child Support for our S-10.

        I thought that you had another court date coming up at the end of October regarding her refiled motion. Has that occurred or been delayed?

        I have so much empathy for all spouses going through this type of strife. It is so unnecessary and wasteful.

        1. There was a hearing last week at which we were basically determined to be in compliance. That means that the case moves forward, but my wife has to initiate everything. I made it clear to her that I am fighting for this marriage. This was the day on which there were two unprecedented confrontations. I’ll hopefully get around to writing about that in the next couple of days.

  3. I have followed and shared in your pain since the beginning. Our timelines are almost identical……. Except my divorce went through the end of July and he propossed to the OW at the beginning of October. I have had to give up on my fight and move on for both me and my girls. I still struggle to figure out why my outcome was so different from others in the marriage fitness program as I put my heart and soul into it. I’ve got to believe that a better relationship must be awaiting me . I wish you good luck and my thoughts will be with you.

  4. I’m convinced that many of the situations I read about on the MF discussion board are rooted in depression. That turned out to be true with my husband, and affairs, “falling out of love” and so forth are often a result of undiagnosed/untreated depression. In my case, my husband is now in treatment but our marriage is anything but stable. The MF techniques simply don’t work when one partner is depressed.

    1. That could be true. I seriously doubt my wife is suffering from depression, though. She never manifested any of its typical symptoms. MF is certainly not a depression-treatment program, although Mort does make some rather bold claims about all the issues that go away if your marriage is in tip-top shape. I think people may misconstrue this as a claim that his program reverses things like alcoholism, addictive behaviors, depression, etc.—in fact, I’ve seen people say that he claims to do this—when in fact what I think he is saying is that a marriage that is on the rocks is one that lays itself open for one partner to fall into those or other harmful behaviors. There is somewhat of a logical fallacy here, though, I think: there never is a single cause for anything that happens anywhere or at any time; it always requires an infinitely vast number of events and conditions to come together in a specific way for anything to occur. (Buddhists call this “interdependence.”) There may be one, two, or even several things that seem to be more important than others in triggering things like marital crises, but in reality there are many, many other factors.

      For example, my wife would likely cite a job loss I had in 2008 as the cause of her eventual infidelity; I became depressed (although not seriously) as a result, and went through a protracted yet subdued personal crisis that led me to withdraw from her more and more. However, many other salient issues were at play, such as her own cultural perspective and expectations, and in fact these were likely equally responsible, if not more so, for our crisis and her infidelity that was my job loss.

      However, there is one aspect of interdependence that I think rings very, very true to me, and likely does for others as well: the idea that everything happens for a reason. When I look back on my life, and indeed I know others who have said this as well, I see that the timing and extent of everything that occurred was somehow just right, even if it was something that seemed horribly unbearable at the time. Even those most unpleasant of events had eventual outcomes that led to where I am right now. This is encouraging to me, because I know that the same can be true for my wife as well: she will eventually see that her poor choices will have led her to certain realizations that she could not have arrived at in any other way. Just what those realizations will be or when they might dawn on her is unknowable, but they are probably inevitable.

    1. I’ve been enjoying the holidays out of state with family. Things have been interesting. The adulterer came “out of the closet” recently (so to speak) very publicly and there have been confrontations he has tried to instigate with me. (I did not take the bait, thank you.) He seems to be very shaken and uncertain. I’ve moved recently, and life is really taking some big turns for the better, in a lot of ways. I successfully filed a motion to continue with the court that has kicked the can further down the road. At this point, I’ve pretty much negated every single one of my wife’s original complaints about me—the reasons why she decided to abandon me in favor of an adulterer—and this must be quite difficult for her to bear. She likely has little to fight with right now other than her own ego and deeply seated need to be right. I’m just being patient and waiting for that unsustainable situation to implode. For some reason, the implosion seems very close at hand, but I do not really have any basis for that judgment other than my own intuition.

    1. Nope, I’m still here. I’ve just been so incredibly busy these past few months that updating this blog has been a low priority. My wife’s affair drags on, but it seems that they have hit a point of real desperation, given a number of signs and communications I have received. It could very well be that the affair is faltering, if not outright crumbling right now; it does seem though that my wife is under considerable duress. Just waiting it out right now. A friend who was also working Marriage Fitness recently reported a turnaround in her situation, which also involved adultery, and it was very abrupt and unexpected. Two weeks prior to the turnaround, it seemed to be the least likely thing that could have happened. Yet I hear these stories again and again; the situations hits an all-time low, things could not possibly get worse, and then suddenly everything changes, “all of a sudden, and all at once,” like Mort would say. The hard part is having the patience to let your spouse hit rock bottom and come to the realization that the affair is a horribly destructive relationship. It seems that after considerable time has passed, they are just miserable most of the time, but don’t want to see it. This happens again and again.

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