Tag Archives: Bad Advice

Bad advice, redux

I sometimes wish that people would just stick to their area of specialization. I don’t go to my car mechanic for a hernia operation, and I wouldn’t go to a dermatologist for a pizza, so why would people go to anyone other than an experienced marriage coach for marital advice? And why would anyone who is not an expert in this domain give such advice? Beats me. This energy worker, who is a state-licensed massage therapist, apparently thinks she’s qualified to give marital advice. There seems to be no question raised in her mind as to whether or not a woman, who is in the throes of an adulterous relationship, coming to her for advice would be able to talk logically about her situation. So, I guess she listens and listens and reads my wife’s chakras, which of course are all fucked up. Why wouldn’t they be? Do you think your energy meridians are going to stay balanced if you lie to people 24/7?

My wife did tell me that her energy was all messed up, and that the session did help. What she didn’t tell me, but what the leaky walls of secrecy yielded, was that she was advised to go get an apartment for 6 months. Actually, she could also just stay with friends if she wanted to save on the rent, but she should at least offer to pay something. Now, why did the “energy worker” give this advice? Simple: she felt that it would be unlikely that my wife could reach an agreement for a non-contested divorce with her husband (i.e. me) if I found out that she was living with the adulterer.

Oh, brother. This is all so pathetic and stupid. Do you see, dear reader, just how delusional the mind of the adulterer is? They forget that they have taken a vow that includes the words “forsaking all others.” Then they come to you and tell you that marriage isn’t eternal, that people change, and yadda, yadda, yadda. My wife actually told me at the outset of this crisis, that she didn’t feel she was cheating on me because she already thought her marriage was over. “I already divorced you in my mind,” were the exact words she said. Really? What kind of logic is that? Somehow, in their little adulterer-brain-stem minds, and since they haven’t actually done so already, they think that exiting the marriage is the solution to their problems, that the months of infidelity will be wiped clean retroactively.

It won’t be. Nor will the whole violation of the “forsaking all others” thing be erased.

Basically, at this point I have no idea what she plans to do. Her plans, such as they are, change from day to day. She has no coherent vision of the future. She wants “independence” but is totally dependent on others, more so now than prior to this crisis. She wants to be happy, but is manifestly miserable. She wants a quick, easy fix to her situation, and there is none. Sheesh. I already know this. Look, I’ve been working on myself, trying to get my marriage to the point where we could begin to reconcile for over 3 months now. She’s done absolutely nothing of any use to anyone. All she has done is to run away from her problems into a fairy-tale world in which wrong is right, lies are virtuous, and vows mean nothing.

In truth, it appears to me that she has absolutely no idea what she wants. She has taken distance from me in the form of “moving out,” yet she comes back every day that she’s not with the adulterer, and then spends the whole day here. Then she complains about not having her own space, and makes an effort to go find an apartment. Then the adulterer changes his mind (in all likelihood, he panicked) and asks her to move in with him. So then she decides to do that. But then the “energy worker” says, “Slow down, chickie, not so fast. You’d do better to get that apartment after all. Or maybe you could just stay with your friends some more.”

What are these people really that stupid? (Don’t answer that; I’m having a rhetorical conversation.) Do they not understand that there will be no actual happiness so long as immoral behavior persists? Don’t they get that? Don’t they understand that the constant lying, the sneaking around, the deceitfulness is just not healthy? Doesn’t this “energy worker” understand the true cause of her energy imbalance? Can’t she just give advice that would fix it once and for all?

Apparently not. The real world, as ever, will eventually intercede. I don’t know how or when this will happen, but it will intercede. I get the sense that the pressure and tension in her life is building to the point to which it soon will become unbearable. The dissertation is still needing to be written. At least she came to me asking for regular Wednesday meetings. That’s fine, but I need to see pages of text, and I need them, like, last month. Then there is her bank account, which is rapidly receding. She is spending money like a drunken sailor, buying clothing online from overseas boutiques and such, but her earning capacity is stripped down to about half of what it once was. And, of course, there’s also me. I’m just not going away, no matter what she does. I haven’t changed my behavior. My situation has materially improved. Aside from my marriage, things are looking up for me these days.

For her, things look like crap. In fact, she looks like crap. I keep saying this on this blog again and again, that, just about every time I see her, she looks like hell. Tired, puffy-eyed with dark circles, unwashed and generally bedraggled. I guess that’s what “happiness” looks like. I can see it taking its toll. It must be absolutely exhausting living that kind of life. She spends the whole week draining her energy for the sake of 2-3 days with the adulterer up at Camp Chickenshit. And those days are supposed to pave the way for a new life.

What’s actually going to happen is that she’ll get a wake-up call. That’s probably coming pretty soon. And when it does, Camp Chickenshit ain’t gonna look too rosy anymore, nor will its owner.

Curiouser and curiouser

I don’t think I’ve had too many double-post days, but this is one of them. It might even turn out to be a triple-post day, we’ll see. As I’ve mentioned before, the obstinate spouse has basically zero credibility. You just simply cannot trust anything they say to be completely true, nor can you expect any plan that they articulate to actually manifest.

Recently I learned that my wife was planning on moving in with the adulterer. This apparently happened last a couple of weeks ago when she was visiting his place while his daughter (ack!) was there with her husband. The atmosphere was emotionally charged, I guess, and the adulterer tearfully asked her to move in. Or so it seems, from what I’ve pieced together. I mean, I wasn’t there, I’m just dealing with leaky walls of secrecy and an occasionally hyperactive grapevine.

This afternoon, I learned that she is now looking for an apartment again. You see? Plan B turns into Plan C, then to Plan D, and then to Plan E, and then back to Plan D again. Wait a minute, let me back up. Plan A was to move in with the adulterer on or about January 1st, to be rid of me, the entirety of our life together, etc., and on to a new life with a moral reprobate. Brilliant. Problem is, the moral reprobate felt it was too fast. (Hmmm, for some reason I’m hearing that old Mötley Crüe song “Too Fast for Love” in my mind right now, not sure why.) So this necessitated a plan B, and that turned out to be the plan to move in with the friends that she is currently staying with. So that was going to happen on January 1st instead. It actually didn’t happen until January 9th, though. She was only going to be there for the month of January, and then from February it would be on to Plan C, which was to stay with this older Japanese lady, in her basement, for this month. Her various boxes of belongings were going to end up in that basement, too, awaiting eventual deployment to Camp Chickenshit. Well, February 1st rolled around, and nothing changed. Here we are, 16 days into February, and she’s still with Plan B. She’s been at that house for 5 weeks.

So Plan C never happened, but roughly coterminous with this idea was the hatching of Plan D, which was to find an apartment. She began to do that, and although I don’t know the exact circumstances, the adulterer seems to have gotten antsy and asked her just to move in with him, timeline 2-3 weeks, i.e. around the end of this month. That would be Plan E as in, I don’t know, escape? Then today she had another session with the “energy worker.” I guess I’ll find out later from her what state her chakras were in. My guess is that they were in bad shape, energy imbalances, etc.; I’d see no reason for any of that to have changed, since her life and actions haven’t fundamentally moved away from immoral behaviors that are extremely draining. These will be her undoing, of course, but that’s the topic of some other post, perhaps. After the last session with the “energy worker,” her behavior toward me changed: it became softer, more patient, and supposedly more concerned with me and my emotions. That lasted maybe 5 days. As such, it was thus nothing other than manipulative from my standpoint, of course. My other guess is that the “energy worker” told her again not to rush into anything, that moving in with this man suddenly would be bad, bad, bad. Well, moving in with him at any time would be bad, bad, bad, baaaaaad. So that puts her back to Plan D, as in, ummm, well, dislocate, or something.

This means that now I’ve got a couple of extra weeks to keep the gentle heat applied and see if anything evolves. Her actually moving into an apartment would be a huge effort and a major manifestation of her dysfunctional ego. She does have a process, and I feel that, on some level, that process right now is recognizing how dysfunctional her ego, her personality, and her life has become. It’s a course of self-destruction that is fundamentally not positive. She is clearly holding on to her agenda for dear life, and not yet ready to give up the fairy tale that is the adulterous relationship. But we all know that relationship will end.

There will almost certainly be another stay at Camp Chickenshit this weekend, and I suspect there will be some tense moments as the future is discussed, the results of the chakra-realignment session (or whatever it was) is talked about, the memories of the counseling session are raised again, and so on. I suspect the adulterer will begin to feel insecure and possibly even threatened. I suspect there will be an increase in tension that may eventually manifest as disagreements and eventually escalate to full-fledged arguments. All there needs to be, as I’ve said before, is one good argument between them, one bona fide barn-burner and it will be game over for that relationship. In my mind’s eye, I envision this as being truly heated, with things being thrown and broken. I know she’s capable of this when she’s pissed off enough, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

On top of that, there is the curious situation of her parents’ recent actions, as well as the other various pressures that she is likely feeling from the real world as it continues to express itself. The real world, the one in which the rest of us live, is a force that cannot be ignored. It presents bills that need to be paid, food that needs to be bought and cooked, dogs that need to be walked in the dark in a dodgy area, dissertations that need to be written, and so forth. You just can’t ignore that stuff.

As for me, I have a vision. My vision is of reconciliation. As impossible as it sounds, my timeline doesn’t really extend much beyond next month. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a hunch. I’ve had intuitive feelings about various dates in the past, and in almost every case something important has happened on them. I haven’t had too many clear feelings about dates recently, and this is perhaps because I haven’t been thinking about it too much. But for some reason February 26 and March 19 stand out to me as important somehow. Don’t quote me on this, though, okay? I’m not psychic, after all, at least as far as I know It just seems like important things will happen on those days.

Time will tell. I’m prepared to wait. I have plenty of patience and lots of perseverance. I will prevail, of that I am certain.

Go slowly, come back quickly

I admit it: I didn’t come up with that title. I stole it from J.D. Salinger. Although he was writing about the feelings of the wives left behind in World War II, as their husbands were shipped off to combat, I’m appropriating it to express my feelings about my marital situation.

My wife wants to disengage. That much is clear. It’s been a slow process for her, and I’d like it to be even slower, if I could make that happen. I’d also like for her to come home as quickly as possible, and just let me love her and heal her wounds. But that’s not going to happen right now.

She had an appointment with a massage therapist-cum-energy worker today, a person a friend had referred her to. She blew about $140 on it, too. The therapist is located about 10 miles from here, and that required her to take a 90-minute bus ride that involved at least two transfers. That’s right, we’re talking 3 hours roundtrip. I offered to give her a ride, but she declined. She actually preferred to spend 3 hours on the bus rather than letting me drive her the 15-20 minutes it would take to get there by car. Such is the behavior of a wayward spouse.

I suspect that the session was about more than just massage, and that she also got some half-baked marital advice. I know this because our house is small and I overhear things. The affair isn’t working out so well. There is mistrust. The fact that there is mistrust is because of me, of course, and specifically because I will not assent to divorce. Why should I? The only reason she wants a divorce is so that she can devote the rest of her life to her lover. Problem is, it seems like she’s finding out that he isn’t so devoted after all. That simply has to be my fault: I’m standing in the way of the two of them being together, and if I’d just simply gone away then none of this would have happened, right?

Are you still with me, dear reader, or has the illogic derailed you? Don’t feel bad if it has, because the illogic derailed me a long time ago. That’s what I’m faced with, though: a spouse who wants a divorce so she can have an affair. Huh? Look, by the time any such divorce could go final, the affair will long since have become history. I know that, but she doesn’t. The wayward spouse has no sense of logic. They have fatuous and irrational impulses and desires that are fueled by infatuation. This is the so-called “affair fog” you hear talk of. It always burns off, and when it does, the wayward spouse suddenly begins to wonder what the heck they were thinking.

Anyway, I’m fine with there being mistrust between my wife and the adulterer. That’s par for the course. There was no trust there to begin with, just lies and deception. How could there ever be trust flourishing under those circumstances? What I’m not fine with is the likelihood of my wife wanting to come to me in the very near future (read: tomorrow or the day after) to have a “talk” about the “future.” This “talk” of the “future” will revolve around the “necessity” of divorce. It will also likely revolve around expressions of gratitude to me; this is something I heard a bit of in the past, as someone advised her that you had to express gratitude before “moving on”, and I do know that the masseuse-cum-energy worker gave her similar advice.

What’s my to-do, then? Well, same as it’s always been. Draw a line in the sand: no divorce. That doesn’t mean that I can stop her, but that I simply will not cooperate, which pretty much has been as good as stopping her thus far. Hopefully that will remain true until such time as the affair ends. Then, draw another line in the sand: no talk of an active affair, ever. Period. When it ends, she can talk about it, but not a moment before. I do suspect she’ll try to bring it up; she has insinuated that she needs to do this by telling me that I “never want to listen” to her. That’s nonsense. I’m always happy to listen, it’s just that I do have ethics and a sense of morality, both of which preclude me from listening to someone natter on about infidelity.

Will I look like a jerk in her eyes? Probably. Does that bother me? No. Really it’s just a matter of pointing out, in a way, that she has simply put the cart before the horse. If you really feel that you have to go outside the marriage to get your needs met, then you have the obligation to end that marriage first. Of course, human impulses being what they are, few people could wait the requisite 6-12 months plus for dissolution paperwork to go final before getting their needs met, so they end up in the sticky situation of plunging themselves into the jaws of immorality.

But heck, I wasn’t the one who decided to have the affair, right? So it’s really not my problem to solve. Feel like crap because you’re cheating on your husband? The solution is simple: stop cheating. Then, reconcile with him. It’s a basic, two-step process. But no, that would just be wrong to the adulteress. For her, she’s got to stay the course and destroy anyone and anything that attempts to get in her way. Some spouses are more destructive than others in this regard. I think mine has already reached her destructive limit and is having trouble going any further.

And that’s a good thing.

Bad advice, virtuous action

One thing you can count on, should you find yourself in a marital crisis, is that there will be no shortage of advice offered to you. This will come from family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, and so on. Such advice will likely be well intentioned. Most of that advice, however, will be bad. Some of it will be very bad. You’ ll hear things like, “dump your wife”, “get a lawyer”, “file for divorce”, “kick her out of the house”, “once a cheater, always a cheater”, and so on. It feels good to vent to friends, to have them commiserate with you, and you think they understand you. The problem is that most of them have not been through what you’re going through, and the chances are likely that those who have had marital crises handled these badly, and are themselves divorced. This is one reason why it’s a good idea to keep quiet about your situation; if you need advice, find a professional with a track record of success. Don’t just go to any counselor, ask them what their track record for reconciliation has been.

One other thing you can pretty much count on is that your spouse will also be getting advice from friends, family, co-workers, and so on. This advice will be at least as bad, if not worse than anything you’d hear from the well intentioned people in your life. The reason is simple: your spouse has an immoral agenda to justify, and will freely a slander you to others. You are already the villain in their story, and you will be portrayed in that way to anyone who might ask.

In my case, I made the mistake of talking to three people: my sister, and my parents. My sister was the most vocal in encouraging me to separate from my wife. Once I began my current counseling program, I stopped talking about my situation. They do respect my need to do this, and on occasion I will speak in generalities, but offer no specifics. Early in the process, I explained to my wife why I was keeping quiet, and how important I thought it was to protect her privacy, and she agreed to protect mine. She was about to go out with a girlfriend, one whom she is planning on moving in with next week, and she promised not to say anything. That promise lasted less than an hour. I found out, and she did tell me later, as a matter of fact, that she did speak with this woman about our situation. Not only that, but she spoke to her and her husband. She mentioned the affair and even the lover by name. Somehow they were not totally disgusted by this, and assented to let her stay with them for the month. In addition, the wife is training to be a paralegal, and apparently expressed interest in helping my wife to fill out the divorce paperwork. Talk about a messy situation. At this point, she has blabbed to well over a dozen people, including her family. They all know about the lover. They all have heard the story where I’m the bad guy, and she has been horribly and repeatedly wronged. And of course, these people largely sympathize. She has gotten repeated advice from an old friend who is divorced, and this person encouraged her to continue the affair and to seek divorce. Every time my wife feels her situation to get dire, she turns to this friend with whatever freak-out she’s experiencing. This friend gives her encouragement to continue further down the path of sorrow, pain, and immorality. It’s almost as if they have become accomplices, and neither can admit defeat.

My experience with the well meaning advice I’d been given is that it was largely disempowering, and required me to give up and accept that I had no say in the matter. The advice my wife is getting is similar, except that people are trying to empower her to continue behaving immorally and make bad decisions. My response to all of this has been to choose the path of virtuous activity. I have guiding moral principles, e.g. that it is not goods to lie, deceive, or betray people, and I live in accordance with those principles. Although it may seem counterintuitive, behaving in this way is actually empowering. You begin to find that you have the energy, the power, the determination, and the patience to weather the storm. You begin to see that you can take the longer view, and that, if you continue your actions, eventually the storm will blow over and the crisis will resolve in your favor. I continue to manifest acts of unconditional love no matter what happens. Right now this is having the effect of making it difficult for my wife to face her choice of moving out. I don’t know if she actually can face it at this point, but I suspect she’s going to try to do it anyway. When my virtuous actions do not cease, it will make any decision she has taken all the more difficult to suffer. She is swimming in an ocean of guilt, her pain is immeasurable, and she’s looking for relief in all the wrong places. Everything she might ever want, all the opportunities for hearings, growth, love, and fulfillment are right in front of her, in her very house, and in the very form of me and our marriage.

The problem is that we (that is, me and the marriage) have been scapegoated. We are the cause of all her problems. She is faultless. I was the one that needed to change. I was the one who was unable or unwilling to change, no matter how much she nagged, complained, or threatened. (It’s actually because of the nagging, the threats, and the complaints that I never could see any change in myself to be possible, but that’s another story.) She never needed to change anything about herself. So, her only recourse in her mind is to “move on”, by leaving me and shacking up with a middle-aged, divorced, serial adulterer. You can see how that’s going to work out. The reality, however, is that I’m the one who has moved on, who has made positive changes, and who actually is a better person than when this whole crisis erupted. And I didn’t need to go anywhere, to seek divorce or separation, to start an affair, or anything else. This is the way you change your life for the better, by confronting your issues head on, instead of running away from them into a fairy tale. One day, and hopefully fairly soon, my wife will realize that I have moved on, her fairy tale is just a fantasy, and that I have been providing all along a safe place for her to return to.

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