Tag Archives: Coffee


Maybe this isn’t the best title for a post, but somehow it seems at least a bit appropriate. Wednesday is the one day during the week that, for now at least, I can count on my wife actually showing up at the house. She has a student that she teaches here, and then she heads off to a rehearsal afterwards. It is therefore one of the few opportunities during the week that I can count on leaving something for her and she actually might get it.

So it was today. She never turned up while I was here, but I had a gift at the ready. Just before Christmas, I had stopped off at a consignment shop, totally on a lark, and found some Fire King dishes on display. I know my wife loves Fire King products. She had bought several on Ebay in the past. So I took the opportunity then to buy her a couple of gratin dishes. I knew she’d like them, especially since the color was quite unique. Yesterday I stopped by the same shop again. I was getting a haircut just up the street, so it was on my way to work. They still had all the Fire King dishes there, so I decided to buy a few more pieces: a couple of little bowls, plus two coffee cups. The shop owner said she’d give me a 20% discount on them, since she wanted to move the products.

Also on a lark, I’d stopped by a chocolate shop, to see what they had on offer. They had these little chocolates in the shape of a hedgehog, that were filled with some sort of nuts and crispy cookies or something like that. I had bought my wife a little ornamental hedgehog made from organic products (sunflower seeds and things like that) from one of her favorite shops a while back, and she seemed to like that — she packed it with the stuff she moved out, anyway. So I bought the chocolate hedgehog, and then put it inside one of the little Fire King bowls, placed both in a little gift bag and left it on her piano.

I got home tonight and the porch light was on, so I knew she had been home. When I came inside, I saw something on the dining room table that appeared to have been left for me. It was a bag of coffee beans from one of the artisanal coffee roasters here in town. There was a note that said, “enjoy the coffee,” that she had signed. I peeked into her office and found the gift had been taken. Not only that, but in the kitchen I noticed that she had used one of the coffee cups I’d bought. Hmmmm…

So what’s incongruous about all this? Well, that’s pretty simple. My wife moved out on Friday. This is one of the most hurtful things she could have done to me: to have movers come and haul away furniture and boxes of belongings. Nevertheless, I manifest unconditional love. And in return she leaves me a gift. I don’t know what else to make of it. She was downtown and was thinking of me. She brought me a gift of coffee beans. It’s not the first time that she has given me gifts. For an obstinate spouse, she is having a hard time staying obstinate. A truly obstinate spouse would not do this kind of thing. It might give the recipient “false hope”. Wait — she actually told me the she didn’t want to give me any false hope. Hmmmmm……

There is one other detail here as well. I had an advisory board meeting tonight for a non-profit I work for, and the woman who is currently housing my wife also serves on that board. Tense moments? Not really. I see her every Saturday, and I’ve long gotten used to her perfidy, in addition to that of my wife. They both have guilty consciences. So tonight, as I’m leaving, she sheepishly asks me how I’m doing. I tell her I’m doing fine, which is basically true. That’s about all I had to say. She sounded and looked so guilty, though! And that’s a good thing.

Do you see what I’m dealing with? I have a spouse who desperately wants me to agree to her agenda, to get out of her way, to allow her to smash and wreck everything we’ve built over the past 8 years, all so that she can enjoy the poisoned fruits of an illicit relationship. Yet at the same time, this spouse feels guilty, guilty, guilty. I have tugged on her conscience and her heart strings. She wants to ditch me, but somehow cannot really do it. I’ve been applying very gentle heat to melt the iceberg around her heart, and slowly there seem to be cracks in the ice walls. She’s trying with all her might to patch up those walls, and I’d bet that the gift today was just one attempt to keep that wall from collapsing.

The problem is that the wall will collapse, even if I do nothing. My continued engagement just speeds it up. I am a bit tired at this point, honestly. I’ve been dealing with this situation for nearly 6 months now, and actively trying to reconcile for almost 5. In the marriage reconciliation process, that’s kind of like a half- to three-quarters-full bucket. It seems that most of the cases I know about have taken anywhere from 7 to 9 months on average to reconcile. When infidelity is involved, as it is in my case, the adulterous relationship has to crash and burn first. That typically takes about 6 months on average to reach the point where the bloom is no longer on the rose, so to speak. After that, it’s just a matter of weeks, if not days. I don’t know where I am in that regard, but I think I’m getting close. She has tried very hard to throw me off her trail, and nothing has worked yet. When she sees that nothing will work to derail me, then the wheels will come off the affair, and she might be pissed off about it, too. But in the end, she is a married woman, and married women don’t get their needs met outside of their marriages, or at least they’re not supposed to. That’s why, at the end of the day, I’ll win this battle.

My scarcest commodity

My scarcest commodity right now? That would be face time with my wife. She has really done her best this past week to try to disengage from me and take space. She returned home on Tuesday, made sure I wasn’t around, and left the dog in the house. Then she returned for a couple of hours on Wednesday to teach a student. I did not see her at all on Thursday, and yesterday (Friday) she briefly resurfaced for about a half an hour or so. She was here just long enough to get a few clothes, do her makeup a bit, and then take the dog. She did at least ask permission to take her.

Of course, I assented. I had thought about trying to leave the house with the dog as I did last week, but then just thought that to be rather selfish. Instead, I did a bunch of cooking the night before, and tried out a few recipes from a Japanese cookbook I had bought her for Christmas. I also went down to the local Japanese grocer and got her a stainless steel bento box, and made her a lunch box that she could take along to Camp Chickenshit. The recipes were great, by the way, and I packet that bento box full of them, and made it look like the kind of bento box a spouse might prepare for his/her partner, with things thoughtfully and artfully arranged. I put this in a bag with some things for the dog. When she told me she was going, I gave her the bag and off she went.

Now here’s where things got interesting: I then went out to get some coffee. There’s a little coffee shop about a block from here that actually is inside a church. It’s the closest place to go; all the other places are at least 10 minutes away, and this place takes me about 2 minutes to get there. But I do have to drive by my wife’s friends’ house — the place she has been staying. So, while I’m driving to this place, I notice what looks like the adulterer’s truck turning down our street. I don’t know that he normally does this. There was a ladder in the back of his truck. As I drove home after getting coffee, I saw the adulterer’s truck in my wife’s friends’ driveway — the ladder was there, so it was indeed him — and she was loading up her stuff. While she was doing this, and this all happened in the space of a few seconds as I was clearing the intersection, husband of my wife’s friend drove into the driveway. He already knows the adulterer, and that has been established from his Facebook page. Some people have no shame.

Later that evening, I got a text from my wife thanking me for the lunch box. She said the food was great, and it tasted exactly like some of the things her mother cooked for her when she was a child. This is a good sign. I have no idea whether she ate the food in the presence of the adulterer or not, but I am pretty sure that, if he knew about it, he’d be bothered by it. Perhaps not visibly bothered, and in fact his outward reaction might be to show encouragement to my wife to show concern and gratitude toward me, but on some level it’s got to bug him. I’m not backing off. I am showing her (and by extension, him) that she is my wife, and that I do care for her and will take care of her. I am also showing him that I know her far better than he does, and far better than he ever will. Basically he’ll begin to see eventually that he really doesn’t have a chance, and he may very well get insecure and jealous. These are all things that, little by little, will help to end that highly inappropriate relationship. Every time something like this happens, he is reminded that the woman he is with actually is married.

I also learned a couple of things that piqued my interest. I heard through the grapevine that last month my wife came very close to ending her relationship with this man. Actually this was the second time I’d heard of this, but the situation was different this time. The first time, she’d told some friends (that’s how things get to me) that she was thinking of putting the “relationship” on hold while she works on her dissertation, since it was an energy drain and she needed to make her academic obligations her first priority. Heh – that never happened. This second time, she apparently got despondent during the heavy weather we had in January. We had about 10 days of snow, at times quite heavy, and this was followed by rain for another week at least. The adulterer is a gardener, and he lives 40 miles away where they get a lot more snow, and so he just didn’t come into town for something like 3 weeks. So she didn’t get to see him. She even stayed here one or two nights, I think, and she seemed pretty bummed out. Apparently, she wrote him a pretty lengthy letter that was sort of like a farewell letter, and this kind of turned him around. For now, at least. Shortly thereafter, she met his daughter and son-in-law, his brother and his family (including his daughter and son-in-law), his ex-wife, I think, and so on. Then there was some sort of teary conversation in which she was invited to move in. Hijinks ensued.

So that was one thing. The other thing was the hijinks, and yes, I’m being facetious. She had another session with the energy worker, and apparently her energy was totally messed up, to the point that this woman could tell that bad stuff was going to come out. And I guess it did. I don’t exactly know what transpired, beyond the advice that she was given not to move in with that man at this point. There was a process of healing that needed to take place first.

Now what, pray tell, might that involve? Once again, it appears to mean expressing gratitude to me, and being patient in trying to heal my heart to the point (ostensibly) where I’d let go and assent to whatever the hell it is my wife wants. Seriously, this is the advice this woman gives: do this stuff with an ulterior motive, and no, it’s not going to seem manipulative at all. The first time she tried the gratitude routine with me it lasted about 5 days. Thus far this time I’ve seen very little of it, but then again I’ve seen very little of her. The other component is that she was instructed to make prayers of supplication to my family and family ancestors, again expressing gratitude, and asking for forgiveness. I find this very distasteful, but have held my tongue. It’s really nothing more than spiritual materialism to think that praying to ancestors with an ulterior motive — and one of betrayal and abandonment at that — is somehow a virtuous or worthwhile thing, or that it’s not a totally ego-centric and selfish activity. Yet it seems that this is exactly what she’s been instructed to do.

I’m sure by now you see the problem with this course of action: You can make all the supplications you want, you can make endless expressions of gratitude and vow to be patient in order to get your way in the end, but when your actions are immoral, there will never be any relief! That’s just how it is. I do know that she is having panic attacks. I’ve seen these before, and they’re kind of random, but the fact that they have returned is almost certainly attributable to the continued immorality of her behavior. Some people just don’t learn, or it just takes them a while.

So yes, this may take a while for the reality of this situation to dawn on her. She is going increasingly public with the affair: there’s the crap she’s putting on her Facebook page (I’ve been blocked, so I can only catch a limited glimpse via a secondary page that I happen to have) and also the new blog posts she’s writing. She has a blog that she’s kept for about 5 years now, mainly for family and friends overseas, and thus far she has not posted about the adulterer but has hinted that there were some “turning points” or other in her life. Today there were pictures taken at his place. Nothing that would identify it as such, but rather close-range pictures taken of buds in a greenhouse, and  a picture of a hummingbird she took. She didn’t say much about where they were taken or anything like that. But this will very likely backfire on her, especially if she becomes more open in her posting. By the way, I do pay for the hosting for this blog, the domain-name registration fees, and so on. Perhaps she has forgotten about that, like she’s forgotten about a whole host of other things I do for her.

The reality is and likely will remain that, despite the distance she professes to be taking, our lives are intertwined, and there’s just no denying that.


That’s what we used to call it when I lived in Germany, “Kaffeepause.” Literally, “coffee pause.” Just a break from the tedium of the work day, when we stop to have coffee, or better yet, “Kaffee und Kuchen” (coffee and cake), usually around 3 p.m. or so.

That’s more or less what I’m doing now, taking a break from my workday (Saturdays are usually busy for me) to have a quick coffee before returning to the mayhem that is my weekend work life.

My Saturdays usually start a bit later than this one did today: I had a bunch of makeup work to do as a result of the snow during the week that resulted in a number of canceled appointments. So I had to start the day by playing catch-up. Somewhat surprisingly, my wife turned up right around 8:00 a.m. This tells me that she wasn’t with her lover last night, but rather over at her friends’ house. Not that that’s good or bad, it just is what it is. Or more properly, it was what it was.

I do know, about as authoritatively as I can know anything second- (or third-) hand that she is planning on being with her lover this weekend. The reason I know this is that she canceled some appointments on Monday, pushing them forward to Tuesday. This can only mean to me, at this point anyway, that she plans on spending 2-3 days with her lover. Whether she leaves today or not is anyone’s guess, but I suppose I’ll find that out when I get home. I’ll also find out if she decided to take the dog with her, as she has done in the past. Somehow I doubt that, though, and I also doubt that I’ll get any sort of note or explanation, since I clearly don’t rate anything like that anymore.

As I said before, I kind of want them to be together, since that will help the affair come crashing to the ground that much sooner. Don’t get me wrong: I hate this affair, and don’t like the idea of them being together, but I do like the idea of her being with him with the kind of stress she is currently under, as there is an elevated chance that they will get into some sort of argument. My wife is incredibly stressed out these days, is feeling tremendous pressure, and is visibly very unhappy. An argument, were one to happen, could actually end up being a relationship-ender for them, and that’s what I’m rooting for.

The other thing that’s interesting about this is that, from an astrological standpoint, the timing couldn’t be better for a relationship-ending argument to unfold. I’m not an astrology buff, but the spiritual lineage I practice in, which progresses generally from Tibetan Buddhism, gives great credence to astrological calculations. Astrology is seen as a branch of the healing arts, and astrological divination would often part of traditional medicinal procedures. The 2-3 days leading up to either a new or full moon are seen as being problematic and turbulent. Those days fall on this weekend, and are no exception to the rule. Traditionally, travel would be avoided both today and tomorrow, as they are the final days leading to the new moon. Tomorrow (Sunday) is an unfavorable day with the elemental combination “fire-water,” one of the most unfavorable in the entire month. So, it’s pretty much a bad day for doing things, and is said to be one in which mental obscurations are present, and possibly abundant.

Maybe you can see where I’m going with this: I’m hoping for some ancient wisdom to prove to be, in fact, wise.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I have no plans for starting important activities or doing anything that might be unfavorable. I’ll just spend a quiet day at home, taking care of chores and tasks needing to get done. Maybe I’ll even get some “good news,” in the sense of the affair crashing to the ground.