Tag Archives: Energy Work

Someone reaches out

I received a phone call from a colleague today. I had been meeting with a client when he called, so I only saw his voice mail once the session had wrapped up. I checked the voice mail, and this colleague seemed very concerned about my well-being. Judging from the message he had left, it sounded as though he had heard some news about the situation between myself and my wife.

I have known this colleague for about 15 years. He is an older gentleman in his early 80s, and sharp as a tack. I have worked with him for much of the past 15 years, and consider him a trusted colleague. He also knows my wife, as the three of us have worked together; she met this colleague through me about 9 years ago, and eventually started working with him as well. As far as this colleague was concerned, my wife and I had been having a model marriage. Until recently, that is.

I wasn’t really in a space to call him back, and had about a half-hour drive to get home. On my way back, my mind went through all the gyrations as to how this colleague might have learned of our situation. The first culprit that came to mind was the “friend” my wife spent several months living with  — the one who lives about two blocks from us, and who has been, in my view, Adultery Enabler No. 1. My wife considers this woman a “true friend,” and I suppose this is because she is one of the few people who does not challenge her agenda, but rather actually appears to support it. My mental gyrations included hashing out the conversation I’d be having with this woman, telling her how her behavior had violated my privacy and how she had therefore stepped over a line of professional decorum that is, well, common sense. You just don’t talk about other people’s private matters with people in that person’s professional circle.

Once I arrived home, I had a few minutes to relax, and then decided to call this colleague. He was very concerned, and said he was sorry to hear about my situation. I told him I was fine, but was unsure what he’d heard, or whom he had heard it from. He said he hadn’t heard anything specific, but had pieced his assumption together from a variety of evidence; he had also recently had a meeting with the aforementioned Adultery Enabler No. 1, whom he had asked about this situation, and this woman basically protected my wife by saying she didn’t really have any information to share. (Neat, huh?)

I told my colleague that I meant no offense, but I considered this to be a very private situation that simply was not an appropriate topic of conversation. He has been divorced twice (and about this said, “and didn’t learn a damn thing from either one”) and understood and was respectful of my privacy. I told him that all he really needed to know was that I am married and intend to stay married, and that I really could not say more out of respect for my wife’s privacy. We then discussed business.

After that lengthy discussion, he just wanted to make clear with me that he had understood me correctly: I’m married and plan to stay that way. I assured him this was the case. He said he had not heard anything specific from anyone about our situation, but it sounded like there was a separation that was ongoing, and that he had seen all sorts of Facebook pictures that seemed to support this. He said there were “hundreds of them” (this could be a bit of an exaggeration), and that they were pictures of nature, jewelry, or other things that my wife found to be beautiful or interesting. He described this as a sort of “cry from the darkness” of a person who seemed to be desperately reaching out to others in a vain attempt to find happiness.

We spoke briefly about spirituality, and he asked me if I thought it appropriate if he reached out to her. He feels himself guided by the principle that others should have the opportunity to attain happiness, and that he just wanted to reach out to her somehow. I asked him what he had in mind, and was pretty clear that there wasn’t much advice I could give that wouldn’t overstep the boundaries of privacy and decorum. He said he really intended nothing other than to reach out to her to say that she was loved and that others were concerned about her. I told him that, if this were the message of  his heart, I could see no harm in expressing that, since the intention seemed quite pure.

So, I find this all quite interesting. This man has been around the block many, many times, and he could clearly see from the pictures my wife has been posting that she just seems to be very unhappy. I consider him an ally in this situation, and am quite certain that he would not say or do anything inappropriate. I’m not sure that, if he were to reach out to her, that this would be the wake-up call that she needs, but it could be one little hole that needs to get poked into her story.

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It’s been an interesting weekend

This has been a weekend like many others. Typically I’d spend my Saturday teaching, and then have Sunday free. My wife never had her Sunday free, though. She would play a church gig in the morning, and then teach at people’s houses all afternoon, wrapping up with a student at home in the evening. Since she never learned how to drive, I would be the one to chauffeur her all over the place. I never really minded this too much, but my wife apparently resented having to work the weekends very much.

Let’s not forget, though, that her line of work as a performer means that her work time is other people’s leisure time. This does mean that you have to work evenings and weekends. Truth be told, during the week she did precious little, so I never really quite understood her beef about having to work over the weekend. But there we are.

What made this weekend different than the many others that have preceded it, both during this marital crisis and before, is that my wife reached out to me to help her with a project.

As I’ve written copiously elsewhere, my wife frequently visits a so-called “energy worker” who apparently does things like chakra tuning. I’m a bit suspicious of that kind of service, since nobody really knows your chakras better than do you (provided you know them), so you might as well tune them yourself. But apparently she has found this service helpful during the course of  this crisis, and she felt compelled to write a couple of testimonials about this woman’s work. She asked me earlier in the week if I’d be willing to edit the English translations — the originals are in Japanese — and I said I’d be glad to help out with that.

The first testimonial arrived a couple of days ago, and I fixed that one for her in a hurry. She was very appreciative and liked the work that I did. The second testimonial arrived today. This one I found a bit distasteful. Why? Well, she was referring to “spiritual guidance” that she supposedly is getting from this woman. This guidance apparently overlooks or perhaps even condones grossly immoral things like, say, adultery. Among the things that stuck out about this testimonial was her citing the fact that she had been troubled by guilt, had a congested throat chakra as a result (that’s no unusual!) and that the chakra tunings helped her to alleviate this blockage and attain a more natural emotional functioning.

Whatever.

I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but guilt is guilt. She has loads of it. She is making more of it as I write this. There is no amount of chakra tuning that could possibly alleviate the blockages she has, since as soon as one clears up a bit she loads on more negative actions to block it back up again. It’s all so, I don’t know, stupid.

I think what struck me most about this second testimonial is that it was almost like a confession. An unintentional one, I’d think (although perhaps intentional in a Freudian way), but a confession nonetheless. There she was, telling me by way of this testimonial, “I feel guilty about all of the things I’ve done to you over the past seven months, and I feel guilty about all of the things I’m doing right now and that I might do in the near future.” Of course, she’s not wrong about any of those things she has done, is doing, or might do. Obstinate spouses never are wrong. And they’re doubly not wrong when there is the fog of an affair that clouds everything.

So once again, I am returned to the point of absurdity. This affair is so transparently puerile, so totally lacking in substance, and so utterly devastating to her psyche and emotional health that there is little doubt but that it will come to an end fairly soon. For now, I have to suffer the rank stupidity of what she’s doing: the continued belief that she has met her soul mate, that she is “in love” (i.e. mistaking infatuation for the real thing), that she can plan a future with an adulterer and expect it to work out, et ceteral, so forth, and so on. I was thinking about it this evening, in fact. “How much longer can this go on?” I wondered. It’s already been seven months. Seven months! That’s a long time. At the outside, the affair might last another four or five months, but I think that is highly unlikely. There are way too many pressures and stresses for it to continue on that long, I think. At this point we’re likely looking at weeks to a couple of months. I know I’ve said that before, but I just don’t see it going on forever and ever. I do wonder what sort of nasty surprises she might have up her sleeve for me before it does end, but it is safe to say that it will end, and she will be the absolute last to see it coming.

That brings us back again to these testimonials. Three things happened this past week that defy explanation, if my wife is truly a woman of her word; that is, if I’m to believe what she said two weeks ago about needing to “move on.” Two of these things are the testimonials, and the accompanying requests for help in editing them. The third is her inviting me for coffee. None of these is characteristic of the behavior of a woman who wants to destroy her marriage and leave her husband. They are rather the behaviors of a deeply conflicted soul that is living a lie, and working overtime to believe that lie somehow is credible.

The marriage reconciliation program I’m working has a user forum, and in the past few days the admins accidentally wiped out a month’s worth of posts. I went back and read through a thread and found some posts from a friend who was deeply despondent about her marriage situation. That was at the end of March. She is now in the process of reconciliation. It seems that, when that breakthrough arrives, when the chance finally to reconcile comes, it happens at the most unlikely and seemingly implausible time. I am hopeful that I am approaching that point. These openings in my wife’s armor give me reason for that hope.

It will all be over soon, dear reader. The betrayal will end. The infidelity will stop. And the reconciliation will begin.

Getting tired

I think the thing I look forward to most in writing these posts is selecting the pictures that go along with them. These are mostly all pictures that my wife has taken at various times; some have special memories attached to them, some do not.

With that said, I find myself without much to say tonight. I’m just getting tired. This crisis is really starting to wear me down. I was told at the outset that it was going to be a marathon, and that I’d need endurance. I just did not realize how true that was going to be. It’s been over six months that I’ve been at this, you know. That’s a long time. I’d just like for it to be over, all over, that’s all.

My wife texted me tonight to let me know I could have the dog from tomorrow through Thursday of next week. Then she emailed me tonight to make arrangements for the pick-up. Her tone was quite distant. I just find it so annoying. I have no idea how things will turn out tomorrow. I’ll have some sort of surprise for her. That’s standard. Croissants, probably. I’ll be pleasant, positive, and confident. She will probably look tired, worn down, worried, guilty, and have that cloud of grey over her head. She asked me to pick up the dog at the acquaintance’s house, the same place as last week, and then to drop her off downtown. I have no problem with any of this.

I’m just waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Waiting for the affair to end. Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And it will end, some day in the near future, sometime, somehow. I suspect that the timing will be totally improbable. But who am I to guess? I’m not psychic. I do have a sense, however, of just how troubled her energy is. I think she’s in a lot of turmoil and pain that is just being covered over with this flimsy veneer of “happiness.” That won’t last. The bubble is getting ready to burst, and all it will take is one good argument.

Anyway, not to bore you with my ramblings tonight. Just enjoy the picture.

I call her bluff; further hopeful signs

This morning I was to drop the dog off at my wife’s acquaintance’s house. We had arranged a drop-off time of 9:00. She would have the acquaintance’s daughter look after the dog, and I would take my wife to the bus stop nearby to catch the bus. She was to have a session with the “energy worker” today; it’s a long bus ride, but she declined my offer to take her there, claiming a desire to be “independent.”

I got up early to take care of various morning chores so that I could be out the door in time to meet her. Then, about 30 minutes prior to our scheduled drop-off time, she sends me a text saying not to worry: she’d come by this afternoon to pick up the dog. I saw this text about 10 minutes after it arrived, since I was doing other things. Since I did not respond right away, she then called my cell. You see, the only reason she will ever call these days is for some issue like this. I had just read the text and decided to ignore it. That’s right: I decided to ignore it, and go ahead with the original plan. I also ignored her phone call and let it go to voice mail, as I was just about to head out the door. That’s right: I ignored her phone call, too, and let it go to voice mail. Does this sound familiar? Why, yes, that’s pretty much what she does to me. She has an ulterior motive, and that is to avoid me. I had an ulterior motive, and it was to keep her from blowing me off. If I didn’t show up at the acquaintance’s house, I wouldn’t see her for another week.

There is a coffee shop quite near the acquaintance’s house, and I managed to drop by in time to get my wife a coffee and a little pastry. I had them put the coffee in a new insulated cup I had bought for her, then I drove over to the house to meet her. I arrived and knocked on the door. She opened the door and looked kind of disappointed. She said, “No, didn’t you get my message? I told you not to come by this morning.” I bluffed, and looked at my phone. Aha! There was the text. I told her I could leave the dog anyway, and I’d take her to the bus stop. I noticed that, in her right hand, she held the Top Secret Cell Phone, you know, the one I’m not supposed to know anything at all about. It was open and in use, as though she was on the phone with Top Secret Person #1 (i.e. the adulterer), or sending/receiving a text from said person. I just ignored that detail. I offered to give her a ride to the bus stop, and told her I had a coffee in the car for her. She asked me to wait in the car, and she’d come out.

She took a few minutes, but did emerge with a couple of bags. She looked awful: puffy eyes with big black circles under them, a cramped and uncomfortable body language, and the general appearance of a tired and beaten-down person. I guess life really can be hell when you decide to put yourself through the ringer she has been shoving herself through for months on end. She got in the car, and we discussed her bus schedule. She asked if maybe I could take her to the main bus station downtown, and I didn’t hesitate at all, and just told her that would be fine. I gave her the coffee and the pastry, and she consumed both with gusto.

On the way to the bus station, she told me the acquaintance’s story. She is a bit older than us, and has two kids, one in grade school and the other just starting college. Her husband was laid off a few years ago, and began drinking. She started working harder to support the family, and naturally problems developed. Around this time, the younger child began pulling her hair out because of the stress within the family. At some point in the past year, the husband brought a woman home and apparently slept with her in the house while the rest of the family was there. The wife discovered this woman on the couch the next morning, went back to bed, and didn’t say anything. Things did not improve. The husband walked out on them in February and now lives in another state. She is currently trying to dissolve her marriage.

I found this entire story disgusting, from start to finish. This is a classic tale of two individuals who do not know how to handle a crisis like job loss as a team, and allow this situation to destroy their marriage. It’s not a terribly different tale than my story, except that there are no kids in the equation with me and my wife. I was going to express my exasperation, but just said that I didn’t want to be judgmental. I am hoping that my wife will find her story to be instructional. It contains familiar elements, including adultery, only the acquaintance was on the receiving end of that situation.

We got downtown a bit early, and just hung out in the car. I was pleasant, and joked around a lot with her. She asked me if she could leave one of her bags with me, as it was quite heavy and just too much to carry; she’d come by this afternoon and pick it up, along with the dog. I told her that would be fine. She seemed very, very tired and extremely worn down. Her energy was very low. Supposedly the “energy worker” can help with this somehow, but actually I wonder about this: if this woman, the “energy worker,” sees my wife once a month, and each time she is no better than the previous (and in fact may be worse), then what the heck is she doing? To my knowledge, the “energy worker” has not raised significant doubts about my wife’s life trajectory and the extent to which that trajectory affects her energy states. There seems to me to be an obvious correlation between these two things: destructive path ? depleted and unbalanced energy. There really is no amount of “chakra tuning,” or whatever the hell this woman does, that can fix that. It’s sort of like putting oil into a crippled engine: you might get it to run for a bit longer, but it will still break down. I don’t know, maybe she sees my wife as a cash cow. Despite her energy state, we had a pretty good time. She thanked me for everything and then got out to leave. I honked to her as I drove off, and we both smiled and waved at each other.

This is not the behavior of the truly obstinate spouse. It is the behavior of a spouse who is deeply unsure, terribly unsteady, and very likely to soon reconcile. That’s my sense, anyway. I was very, very happy as I drove off, because I had a renewed sense that we are very near the end of this crisis, and that happier days are just around the corner.

On my way home, I stopped by a frame shop. Yes, a frame shop. They have all sorts of nice cards and things, and I bought 5 postcards and a greeting card, with the intention of giving the latter to my wife today, and saving the others for later occasions. When I got home I had yet another inspiration, and ended up going out to buy a couple of chocolates; I washed my wife’s new insulated cup (she did not take it with her, claiming that she had too much to carry) and placed the chocolates in a gift bag that I put inside the cup. I stowed this in her bag that she left with me. I wrote a frivolous little note in the card, and placed that inside a magazine that she had in the bag. I also readied a bag for the dog that included a couple of cans of food and some treats, and inside this bag I put a bar of Belgian chocolate for my wife. Is this overdoing it? Nah, it’s just par for the course.

You see, every time she sees me, I give her something. Every time she comes home, there is something good waiting for her. Every single time. The only exceptions would be if she turned up unannounced, or something like that, and that virtually never offers.

The timing and placement of these gifts is significant, I think. She finds herself in a very difficult and basically intractable situation, and has been trying desperately to throw me off her trail since the beginning of the year. Nothing she has tried has worked so far, and that’s because nothing she can try will work. She’s my wife, and I’m going to just treat her that way. I’m sure the stuff I do irritates the hell out of the adulterer, but I do not care: she is my wife, not his, and he’ll never get any further than he currently has. She will discover all of these gifts at his house, and she may well discover some of them in his presence. I do not know if she tells him where these various things come from, as I have managed to secret various things for her discovery when she has left to be with him in the past. I suspect that he has learned of some of them, and others are hidden from him. I’d imagine that, at this point, it is more the latter than the former. Either way, this has got to make for an awfully awkward situation: it causes tension if she tells him, it causes tension if she lies to him about them, and it causes tension if she hides it from him. See what I mean?

Now mind you, I don’t do any of these things for this reason, i.e. with the intention of causing stress between her and the adulterer; I do these things because  she is my wife and I want to do nice things for her. The side product of all of this is that it very likely does cause tension in that illegitimate relationship. and most certainly does a lot to spoil that affair. If he sees the cards I get her, he’d see that I know her taste intimately; he does not, and never will, and further seems to have rather poor taste when it comes to such things. Although my wife does seem willing to ignore this, I’m sure it does bother her to some extent. (Probably a lot, actually.) The same is true of the gifts and other things I give. Giving is very powerful, by the way: it changes both your spouse’s feeling about you, and it changes your own feelings toward your spouse.

So there we are. I don’t want to try to predict the future, but things are going to change, and I do think that will happen soon.

Sister Karamazova; or, signs of hope

Many, many years ago, in fact, back in the late 20th century, I was an undergraduate student at a university in southern California. I was a big Dostoevsky fan back than, had read nearly all of his works, and was working my way through many other Russian authors as well: Tolstoy, Turgenev, Lermontov, etc. I happened across a book in the library one day that was a scholarly tome about the usage and symbolism of names in the works of Dostoevsky. I had some fairly good competence with the Russian language, as I had already studied it for a year of so, but nothing that would have enabled me to make the discoveries that I found in that book. I had no idea, for instance, that the surname Raskolnikov, the main character in Crime and Punishment, actually means something like “the one who splits things asunder,” or “schismatic.” (Incidentally, I had also forgotten that his forename is Rodion — my nom de plume for this blog, although I’m not schizophrenic, as was poor Raskolnikov!) I also recall learning that the surname Karamazov, as used in The Brothers Karamazov, means something like “black smear,” and that this smear implies negative qualities, such as sin. It was kind of a revelation for me: Dostoevsky was actually broadcasting the qualities of his characters through their names, both first and last; such details are mostly lost on the foreign and/or uninformed reader.

I’ve spoken about the cloud of blackish grey energy that seems to hover over my wife these days. Actually, it’s been there for the better part of the last six months, but it seems to have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the year. It was the experience of this darkish cloud that came to me during my morning spiritual practice. I was doing tonglen, which I’ve written about before, and my subject for this meditation more often than not is my wife. I relate directly to the energy of my situation with her, and the situation of her own being. What struck me the most about my experience this morning was the general energetic tone. Sure, there were the emotions, and they were not surprising: I sense that she is feeling guilt and nervousness, and is more than a little fearful, and also is quite tired from everything she has put herself through. But the tone was really interesting. It was like a black smear, a block, or a smudge of incredible negativity. This is the cloud she carries around with her, and that’s what came through. The main difference is that it wasn’t diffuse, it was really kind of solid and heavy. It must really suck to have to lug something like that around with you 24/7. Shortly after wrapping up that session, the name Karamazov popped into my mind, relating directly to that block of darkness. Thus she came to mind as Sister Karamazova.

She had texted me early this morning to say she wanted to make arrangements to collect the dog, but that I shouldn’t drop her off at the house that she was at last week. Well of course, she never moved in there in the first place. She hasn’t been there since last Wednesday, most likely. She had also asked about taxes, so I texted back to tell her that we would need to chat about that. She then texted back to ask when she should call, and my response was vary simple: “You can call me pretty much whenever; if I’m busy it will go to voicemail, but otherwise I’ll always answer if you call.”

Wouldn’t you know she’d call when I was in the restroom? I know, TMI. I checked the voice mail, and her energy was vary odd. She sounded really charged, and not really in a good way. So I called her right back, and I got that same energy when she picked up. I called her by one of the nicknames I have for her, and we started to chat. We discussed the tax situation, and she agreed to sit down with me next week sometime. I told her I had just filed an extension, since I felt it both unwise and unethical to sign the return on her behalf. I don’t have power of attorney, anyway. I made it clear to her that I felt that it would be no different from lying, except in this case it would also be against the law. I told her I did what I thought was the right thing to do, and she did not disagree.

We continued to chat a bit, and she told me that she was indeed at the home of this student of hers; the student’s mother is an acquaintance, but not much more than that, yet she feels comfortable staying there for the night. She thanked me for the picture book I’d mailed her last week, and I told her she was welcome, that I’d seen it and thought she’d like it. I asked her if she had read it at all, and she said she had. Hmmmm, you know, I never thought I could actually detect a lie over the phone, but I could tell from everything about the way she answered that question that she did not have the book in her possession, that she has not seen it yet, and that she certainly has not read it. I didn’t ask anything more about it.

She then brought up the dog, and we arranged a plan for me to drop her off at the acquaintance’s house tomorrow. She told me that she has another session with the “energy worker” tomorrow, and I offered to give her a ride. She declined the offer, and I told her that it really would not be a problem. She said, “I’m not comfortable with that,” to which I said, jokingly, “what, am I some kind of poison?” This caught her a bit off guard, and she said that she is trying very hard not to be dependent on other people, and she really would just prefer to ride the bus. Funny that she doesn’t want to be dependent on me, but being virtually totally dependent on the adulterer is somehow okay. We did come to an arrangement, though, and I’ll be swinging by tomorrow morning to drop off the dog and to take my wife to a nearby bus stop.

An interesting thing happened by the end of our conversation, though. Her whole tone had changed. That sharply edged energy I had heard, which is really a sort of charged, neurotic karma energy, had softened into something far more genuine, open, and positive. I was able to joke around with her and to even get her to revert to a tone of voice I’ve heard almost nothing of for six months now. This is significant. Very significant. I already know that my presence can soothe her demons, but now I also know that the sound of my voice over the phone can do that as well.

I came away from that conversation with a somewhat odd feeling, but I didn’t realize what it was until an hour or two later, and then it struck me: she cannot take much more of this. She is watching her path crumble. She is not finding the happiness she thought would be there. She is almost certainly beginning to realize that the problems are not external, but rather internal. There is no amount of avoidance of or separation from me or others that will change this internal discontent that she harbors. It must be excruciatingly painful. Right now, I’m sure all she’s doing is distracting herself from this existential crisis. But at the end of the day, the crisis is still there, and it’s getting worse. She looks at me and sees that I’m not in any crisis at all, not fundamentally. She looks at the adulterer and sees… well, I don’t know what she sees, but I’m sure that pretty soon she will see nothing more than an adulterer, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she is seeing that already. I am beginning to realize that my counselor was right, and that he and I sense the same things because energetically it’s just out there. It’s a meltdown waiting to happen, and it is coming.

And I think it’s coming soon.

Bad advice, redux

I sometimes wish that people would just stick to their area of specialization. I don’t go to my car mechanic for a hernia operation, and I wouldn’t go to a dermatologist for a pizza, so why would people go to anyone other than an experienced marriage coach for marital advice? And why would anyone who is not an expert in this domain give such advice? Beats me. This energy worker, who is a state-licensed massage therapist, apparently thinks she’s qualified to give marital advice. There seems to be no question raised in her mind as to whether or not a woman, who is in the throes of an adulterous relationship, coming to her for advice would be able to talk logically about her situation. So, I guess she listens and listens and reads my wife’s chakras, which of course are all fucked up. Why wouldn’t they be? Do you think your energy meridians are going to stay balanced if you lie to people 24/7?

My wife did tell me that her energy was all messed up, and that the session did help. What she didn’t tell me, but what the leaky walls of secrecy yielded, was that she was advised to go get an apartment for 6 months. Actually, she could also just stay with friends if she wanted to save on the rent, but she should at least offer to pay something. Now, why did the “energy worker” give this advice? Simple: she felt that it would be unlikely that my wife could reach an agreement for a non-contested divorce with her husband (i.e. me) if I found out that she was living with the adulterer.

Oh, brother. This is all so pathetic and stupid. Do you see, dear reader, just how delusional the mind of the adulterer is? They forget that they have taken a vow that includes the words “forsaking all others.” Then they come to you and tell you that marriage isn’t eternal, that people change, and yadda, yadda, yadda. My wife actually told me at the outset of this crisis, that she didn’t feel she was cheating on me because she already thought her marriage was over. “I already divorced you in my mind,” were the exact words she said. Really? What kind of logic is that? Somehow, in their little adulterer-brain-stem minds, and since they haven’t actually done so already, they think that exiting the marriage is the solution to their problems, that the months of infidelity will be wiped clean retroactively.

It won’t be. Nor will the whole violation of the “forsaking all others” thing be erased.

Basically, at this point I have no idea what she plans to do. Her plans, such as they are, change from day to day. She has no coherent vision of the future. She wants “independence” but is totally dependent on others, more so now than prior to this crisis. She wants to be happy, but is manifestly miserable. She wants a quick, easy fix to her situation, and there is none. Sheesh. I already know this. Look, I’ve been working on myself, trying to get my marriage to the point where we could begin to reconcile for over 3 months now. She’s done absolutely nothing of any use to anyone. All she has done is to run away from her problems into a fairy-tale world in which wrong is right, lies are virtuous, and vows mean nothing.

In truth, it appears to me that she has absolutely no idea what she wants. She has taken distance from me in the form of “moving out,” yet she comes back every day that she’s not with the adulterer, and then spends the whole day here. Then she complains about not having her own space, and makes an effort to go find an apartment. Then the adulterer changes his mind (in all likelihood, he panicked) and asks her to move in with him. So then she decides to do that. But then the “energy worker” says, “Slow down, chickie, not so fast. You’d do better to get that apartment after all. Or maybe you could just stay with your friends some more.”

What are these people really that stupid? (Don’t answer that; I’m having a rhetorical conversation.) Do they not understand that there will be no actual happiness so long as immoral behavior persists? Don’t they get that? Don’t they understand that the constant lying, the sneaking around, the deceitfulness is just not healthy? Doesn’t this “energy worker” understand the true cause of her energy imbalance? Can’t she just give advice that would fix it once and for all?

Apparently not. The real world, as ever, will eventually intercede. I don’t know how or when this will happen, but it will intercede. I get the sense that the pressure and tension in her life is building to the point to which it soon will become unbearable. The dissertation is still needing to be written. At least she came to me asking for regular Wednesday meetings. That’s fine, but I need to see pages of text, and I need them, like, last month. Then there is her bank account, which is rapidly receding. She is spending money like a drunken sailor, buying clothing online from overseas boutiques and such, but her earning capacity is stripped down to about half of what it once was. And, of course, there’s also me. I’m just not going away, no matter what she does. I haven’t changed my behavior. My situation has materially improved. Aside from my marriage, things are looking up for me these days.

For her, things look like crap. In fact, she looks like crap. I keep saying this on this blog again and again, that, just about every time I see her, she looks like hell. Tired, puffy-eyed with dark circles, unwashed and generally bedraggled. I guess that’s what “happiness” looks like. I can see it taking its toll. It must be absolutely exhausting living that kind of life. She spends the whole week draining her energy for the sake of 2-3 days with the adulterer up at Camp Chickenshit. And those days are supposed to pave the way for a new life.

What’s actually going to happen is that she’ll get a wake-up call. That’s probably coming pretty soon. And when it does, Camp Chickenshit ain’t gonna look too rosy anymore, nor will its owner.

Curiouser and curiouser

I don’t think I’ve had too many double-post days, but this is one of them. It might even turn out to be a triple-post day, we’ll see. As I’ve mentioned before, the obstinate spouse has basically zero credibility. You just simply cannot trust anything they say to be completely true, nor can you expect any plan that they articulate to actually manifest.

Recently I learned that my wife was planning on moving in with the adulterer. This apparently happened last a couple of weeks ago when she was visiting his place while his daughter (ack!) was there with her husband. The atmosphere was emotionally charged, I guess, and the adulterer tearfully asked her to move in. Or so it seems, from what I’ve pieced together. I mean, I wasn’t there, I’m just dealing with leaky walls of secrecy and an occasionally hyperactive grapevine.

This afternoon, I learned that she is now looking for an apartment again. You see? Plan B turns into Plan C, then to Plan D, and then to Plan E, and then back to Plan D again. Wait a minute, let me back up. Plan A was to move in with the adulterer on or about January 1st, to be rid of me, the entirety of our life together, etc., and on to a new life with a moral reprobate. Brilliant. Problem is, the moral reprobate felt it was too fast. (Hmmm, for some reason I’m hearing that old Mötley Crüe song “Too Fast for Love” in my mind right now, not sure why.) So this necessitated a plan B, and that turned out to be the plan to move in with the friends that she is currently staying with. So that was going to happen on January 1st instead. It actually didn’t happen until January 9th, though. She was only going to be there for the month of January, and then from February it would be on to Plan C, which was to stay with this older Japanese lady, in her basement, for this month. Her various boxes of belongings were going to end up in that basement, too, awaiting eventual deployment to Camp Chickenshit. Well, February 1st rolled around, and nothing changed. Here we are, 16 days into February, and she’s still with Plan B. She’s been at that house for 5 weeks.

So Plan C never happened, but roughly coterminous with this idea was the hatching of Plan D, which was to find an apartment. She began to do that, and although I don’t know the exact circumstances, the adulterer seems to have gotten antsy and asked her just to move in with him, timeline 2-3 weeks, i.e. around the end of this month. That would be Plan E as in, I don’t know, escape? Then today she had another session with the “energy worker.” I guess I’ll find out later from her what state her chakras were in. My guess is that they were in bad shape, energy imbalances, etc.; I’d see no reason for any of that to have changed, since her life and actions haven’t fundamentally moved away from immoral behaviors that are extremely draining. These will be her undoing, of course, but that’s the topic of some other post, perhaps. After the last session with the “energy worker,” her behavior toward me changed: it became softer, more patient, and supposedly more concerned with me and my emotions. That lasted maybe 5 days. As such, it was thus nothing other than manipulative from my standpoint, of course. My other guess is that the “energy worker” told her again not to rush into anything, that moving in with this man suddenly would be bad, bad, bad. Well, moving in with him at any time would be bad, bad, bad, baaaaaad. So that puts her back to Plan D, as in, ummm, well, dislocate, or something.

This means that now I’ve got a couple of extra weeks to keep the gentle heat applied and see if anything evolves. Her actually moving into an apartment would be a huge effort and a major manifestation of her dysfunctional ego. She does have a process, and I feel that, on some level, that process right now is recognizing how dysfunctional her ego, her personality, and her life has become. It’s a course of self-destruction that is fundamentally not positive. She is clearly holding on to her agenda for dear life, and not yet ready to give up the fairy tale that is the adulterous relationship. But we all know that relationship will end.

There will almost certainly be another stay at Camp Chickenshit this weekend, and I suspect there will be some tense moments as the future is discussed, the results of the chakra-realignment session (or whatever it was) is talked about, the memories of the counseling session are raised again, and so on. I suspect the adulterer will begin to feel insecure and possibly even threatened. I suspect there will be an increase in tension that may eventually manifest as disagreements and eventually escalate to full-fledged arguments. All there needs to be, as I’ve said before, is one good argument between them, one bona fide barn-burner and it will be game over for that relationship. In my mind’s eye, I envision this as being truly heated, with things being thrown and broken. I know she’s capable of this when she’s pissed off enough, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

On top of that, there is the curious situation of her parents’ recent actions, as well as the other various pressures that she is likely feeling from the real world as it continues to express itself. The real world, the one in which the rest of us live, is a force that cannot be ignored. It presents bills that need to be paid, food that needs to be bought and cooked, dogs that need to be walked in the dark in a dodgy area, dissertations that need to be written, and so forth. You just can’t ignore that stuff.

As for me, I have a vision. My vision is of reconciliation. As impossible as it sounds, my timeline doesn’t really extend much beyond next month. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a hunch. I’ve had intuitive feelings about various dates in the past, and in almost every case something important has happened on them. I haven’t had too many clear feelings about dates recently, and this is perhaps because I haven’t been thinking about it too much. But for some reason February 26 and March 19 stand out to me as important somehow. Don’t quote me on this, though, okay? I’m not psychic, after all, at least as far as I know It just seems like important things will happen on those days.

Time will tell. I’m prepared to wait. I have plenty of patience and lots of perseverance. I will prevail, of that I am certain.