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How Neediness and Emotional Insecurity Destroy Relationships

Today’s guest blog post comes from the staff at Hypnosis Downloads

“Please, clouds, don’t rain!” Not going to work, is it?

And neither will trying to reassure someone who just can’t be reassured. They will go on fretting, no matter how you plead.

Chronic insecurity in your relationship is a major problem. Why? Because relationships really, deeply matter. Your health, your wellbeing, your happiness are affected by your relationships more than any other factor. And your most intimate relationships have the biggest effect of all.

It’s not just the insecure person who suffers

Feeling insecure in a relationship is horrible for the one who is feeling the insecurity. The burden – of fear and obsessive thoughts, of feeling powerless, of awful awareness that all this insecurity may actually itself be destroying what you treasure most – can feel pretty unbearable.

But it’s also tough for the person on the receiving end of all that insecurity. The truth is that being involved with a really insecure person can be hell.

This article highlighted what a common problem insecurity is

I wrote an article a while back on overcoming insecurity in relationships and was inundated with feedback from all over the world. The scores of comments on the article itself were just the tip of the iceberg. My inbox overflowed with hundreds more private emails from people wracked by feelings of relationship insecurity.

That article, which explores the reasons for insecurity and offers practical tips to help overcome it, eventually became the springboard for the development of the new 10 steps to overcoming insecurity in relationships course. My article was mainly addressed to those who are themselves feeling insecure in a relationship; but I also got – and still get – hundreds of emails from people who have extremely insecure partners. A common recurring theme of these accounts is how isolating it can feel to find yourself in a relationship with someone who is deeply insecure. And this is one major reason why extreme insecurity can be so damaging.

Why reassuring your insecure partner is almost a lie

Because ‘reassurance’ is what insecure people want most, and anyone can say reassuring things, it’s all too easy for partners (and friends) to offer reassurances that everything is “really okay” in the relationship even when it isn’t.This is a kind of denial. And – ironically – the reasons it might not be okay are often the product of the insecurity itself.

Sometimes the only genuine problem in a relationship is the emotional insecurity of one partner and the effect that has on the relationship as a whole. But it’s easy to fall into a pattern of always pretending everything is fine, even when the insecurity becomes really damaging. Such pretense becomes isolating and can drive partners further apart. This is how insecurity can damage or even destroy the relationship.

Relationships thrive on intimacy, and intimacy stems from feeling you can safely be yourself with your partner. So what does it feel like to be in a relationship with a very insecure partner?

Worrying about relationship breakup creates it

Insecurity stemming from a fear of losing intimacy can actually bring on that loss of intimacy. Jake, a former client, described it like this:

“I actually feel totally disconnected from Sara now. She doubts my every word, doesn’t believe me when I say I’ve been working, and constantly misinterprets what I say. It’s driving me nuts! And the angrier I get, the more insecure she gets. I can’t win! I’ve tried being sympathetic, but now everything has to be on her terms, I have to ask myself all the time – is this going to upset her or not?”

Jake told me how he had started to feel very lonely in his relationship, like he had no one to talk to, because “Talking to Sara is like walking on egg shells – will I say the wrong thing? Will she take it the wrong way?”

He, like many who are close to someone so insecure, found himself getting more and more emotionally distant from Sara. He felt less able to speak to her about how he felt, and less able to relax around her. Loneliness isn’t about being alone so much as feeling alone with others – because you feel misunderstood by them – and that’s how Jake now felt with Sara. He’d begun to feel trapped, finding it hard to be around her but also hard not to be around her, because he knew how painful it was for her to be wondering where he was or whom he was with.

The painful truth is that insecurity can lead to the death of intimacy in a relationship – the fear of losing something can actually bring about that loss. Trying to force intimacy or love – demanding to know how someone feels, what they are thinking, who they’ve been talking to, what they are doing – can just drive them further from you.

So what should you do if you are in a relationship with a really insecure person?

How to tell if you have a truly insecure partner

It’s vital to figure out whether the person you are with isgenuinely excessively insecure. Some jealousy and insecurity is actually normal in most relationships from time to time – especially in the early stages. Insecure people are often insecure about their insecurity, because they instinctively know how damaging it can be. But if insecurity is a constant and central feature of the relationship then, yes, it is a problem and a potential cause of breakdown. Of course you can reassure your partner, reason with them, and be gentle and loving toward them, but it’s important not to make too many adaptations for them. This was the mistake Jake made. He had completely stopped spending any time with his friends without Sara. He rang her on the hour, every hour, when he had to work late. He told her he loved her so many times a day that it was more like a chore rather than a genuine expression of how he felt. And after a while the relationship no longer felt real to him.

If the relationship becomes all about reassuring and not upsetting the insecure partner, you and your needs get sidelined to the point that the relationship can start to feel meaningless for you. Jake and Sara’s relationship only improved once Sara herself addressed her insecurity, and learned to trust and relax more with not “having to know” what Jake was thinking or doing all the time. Her self esteem improved and, in turn, he then felt more valued, and no longer trapped or forced to behave in prescribed ways. At last he was being listened to and respected again.

If your insecure partner has enough insight to know they need to change, then you really can encourage them to make those changes that could make such a difference for both of you. Ultimately, no one should have to be constantly “on call” to their partner, or emotionally isolated by them. Good relationships are reciprocal, not one-sided. They flourish when partners trust each other, accept each other, give each other space, forgive each other for failings – and enjoy each other. You and your partner both deserve that. Read more about 10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships by Mark Tyrrell

Notes

  1. See: Wikipedia entry: Exposure therapy
  2. See: Wikipedia entry: Flooding

Weirdness Descends

Today is Wednesday. Another week has passed since I last saw my wife. The last time I saw her, she gave me some pretty serious pushback. And, in the interim, she went overseas. This is confirmed; have have seen the photos. (Well, just a photo, but it was enough to serve as proof.) A trip overseas, with the adulterer. Weird, right?

Well, for starters, that would likely explain the severity of her pushback last time. I’m sure she felt pretty stressed out and pressured. In fact, I imagine that she is under a lot of pressure from him to get me out of her life. But I’m just not going away, see, and that’s a problem — for him, and, by extension, for her.

Last week, she made all sorts of threats. One of those threats was to take our dog away and not to let me see her or the dog again. So far, she has not made good on that threat. Normally, she’ll contact me once she arrives in town, and ask me to drop the dog off. Today, there was no contact at all. She left her cell phone turned off and made no effort to get in touch with me. I spent all day at work, and came home expecting to see the dog gone; I had packed a little gift in the dog’s carrier just in case, but she never came.

There’s a word for this: avoidance.

That’s where we’re at now. She is avoiding me. Last week, she ended a two-week phase of avoidance, and went for justification via rationalization. That didn’t work out so well. I can see right through those justifications, each and every one of them. So now we’re back to avoidance. I did tell her last week that taking responsibility for her actions — something she claimed she had done — would require actually facing the facts of what she did and then actively making amends with those she hurt. This is difficult, though; it’s much easier just to bury your head in the sand. That’s what she’s chosen to do instead, it seems: to bury her head in the sand.

There’s a problem with burying your head in the sand, though. When you do that, the universe lights a fire under your rear end. It pretty much never fails. Right now that fire is building, and I’m sure it’s not comfortable.

You know, there’s another person who is getting a rear-end burn right now, and that’s the adulterer. He’s had his head in the sand (to put it politely) for over a year as well. Actually, he’s likely had his head in the sand about adultery in general for quite a number of years. Sooner or later, he’s going to learn that he has not met his soul mate, and that he has zero chance of spending the rest of his life with my wife.

Anyway, aside from all that weirdness, I’ve been doing my best to take care of myself, and to take care of business at home. The house was a mess, largely because I’ve been working so much. I had a tiny bit of time this morning to get things straightened out. (I think my lucky stars for letting hypnosis help me with this, believe it or not; I’ve got a session called “Stop Being Messy.” It’s been truly helpful, and worked so fast in making real changes in me that it really convinced me how beneficial hypnosis can be.) I’ve also been trying to get my financial house in order (I’ve got “Financial Planning Mindset” for that) and have been dealing with general anxiety and stress levels. (Hmmm, let’s see, for these I’ve got “Overcome Fear and Anxiety,” “Stop Feeling Trapped,” and “Stop Thinking the Worst;” I think I must sound like a hypnosis junkie now…) I’ve also recommitted myself to learning Japanese, since I’m really going to need this once my wife and I reconcile. (Yes, I even have a track for this: it’s called “Better Language Learning.” So at this point I’m working pretty hard on my fixings. The financial stuff has by far been the most stressful; as many can attest, there’s nothing quite like a marital crisis to wreak havoc on your financial health. But, I’m hoping that slowly the worst is now receding into the distance behind me.

I am also hoping that the worst of the marital crisis is beginning to recede into that same distance, but at this point it’s hard to tell. They do say that it always gets worse before it gets better, and that totally makes sense: an obstinate spouse is never going to push back harder than when his or her story really starts to fall apart.

Okay, for now, I think it’s time to put a long day behind me, and to get some rest for an even longer one up ahead. As always, dear reader, I thank you for stopping by to read these words. I hope they bring some solace to you if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself in a similar situation; believing that there is hope, and that it does make sense to take a stand for what’s right is much easier with the knowledge that others are fighting that same good fight.

Oh, and if you feel so inspired, please feel free to donate to this blog. Consider it like buying me a virtual beer or two (or insert beverage of your choice, or whatever). Just click the link below. You can edit that amount that shows up there; it’s not written in stone.

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Rodion’s Auto Repair Fund

Help! Well, folks, I got an update on the auto situation. The mechanic stopped by today while I was gone (he’s a mobile mechanic, so you don’t have to be there) and his initial quote was $300. Ouch. He was thinking that the battery cables would need to be changed out, and those are dealership-only parts, so they’re quite expensive. But, he did a bit of work and figured that he could actually just repair what was there, so that repair will be a bit less costly.

But wait, there’s more — in the process of removing the various and sundry parts, he discovered that the air intake hose had been corroded through; I had a check engine light come on recently, and this was the cause. Now this part is dealership-only for sure, and so my original quote is probably right back to where we began. He’s got to order the parts and will be coming by tomorrow to finish up the job and I guess I’ll know the final damage tomorrow. He is a good mechanic, though; in fact, he’s the same guy we hired to check out and certify the car before we bought it from a third party a few years ago.

So… if any of you, dear readers, wish to chip in to Rodion’s Auto Repair Fund please, please do so… donations from 5 cents to $500 are welcome. There’s a widget at the bottom of this page on which you can set any donation amount. Or, you can just click here. My bank account has been hemmoraging funds as of late, and it will thank you, yes it will.

Today was a long day — a very long day. I hardly slept at all last night: I was in bed around 11:00, and woke up around 1:30 a.m. and did not really get back to sleep after that. I guess I blame it in part on the full moon, but here’s the thing: whenever I have this kind of sleepless night, it seems that it invariably ties in to something odd that is going on with my wife. The first time this happened to me was the night that she consummated her affair. It was almost as if there was this palpable energy that was present, even though she wasn’t physically there. I don’t know if this means anything about her situation right now, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that it does. I have not heard a peep from her in several days, and even then it was just an email. In that email, she claimed she’d be out of town, but I have not seen any evidence of that. There’s not much to go on, anyway, as she is not updating any of her websites, so I guess that makes me even a bit more curious.

Thus it was that I awoke just shy of 5:00 a.m. Since my car is out of commission, I had to take the bus into work. On a good day, this would take about 75 minutes; since today is Sunday, it took two hours. I started by walking a mile in the pre-dawn chill to the transit center. I did have the beautiful, full moon to accompany me, though. I thought  I might find a cup of coffee, but everything was closed. So I waited for the bus, and when it did arrive it took forever to depart. Its tracking and payment device was non-functional, and it took the driver about 10 minutes to get it rectified. There were many unhappy riders in that bus. Somehow, I planned the itinerary with enough wiggle room that I made my next connection, and that one got me almost all of the way to my final destination. I ended up walking the mile or so to work, because by this time it was a beautiful, crisp morning. I had the time, and was able to stop off for a coffee along the way.

I put in a full day’s work, and got a few bulletins from the mechanic along the way. (I’m truly hoping that the bill is not too steep in the final analysis.) Then I walked back to the bus terminal, the same mile I’d walked to get to work that morning, and caught a bus that fortuitously provided two very convenient and rapid connections. So, door to door coming home only took an hour and forty minutes. Mind you, this takes only 20 minutes by car, so this is why getting that dang thing fixed is so crucial. (Ahem, plug #2 for Rodion’s Auto Repair Fund, hehheh…)

I got home absolutely exhausted. I can barely see straight as I type this, but then again I’m actually at the point of feeling too tired to sleep, if you know what I mean. I guess that means I’ll do a couple of self-hypnosis sessions before hitting the sack. They do have the ancillary effect of helping me to sleep. The tracks I’m working with right now are Be Lucky and Stop Being Messy (yup, Messy Marvin, here). Neatness is definitely one of my fixings, and I have to say that this download has really helped a lot. I’ve only used it for about 4 days or so, but it already is having a noticeable effect. As for Be Lucky, well, the jury is still out on that one, but when all those donations to Rodion’s Auto Repair Fund (heheh… plug #3; annoyed yet?) start rolling in, I think I’ll know that one is working, too. Actually, I have had some measurable increases in luck since I started working with that one about a week ago.

Actually, I’m curious what kind of results and successes readers of this blog might be having with any of these self-hypnosis downloads, if by chance you’ve checked it out and gotten any. I’m hoping some of you have in fact checked it out, and remember that there are free resources there as well, in case you’re leery about plonking down $12 to try out one of their sessions. Like I said, I’ve seen noticeable changes after just a few days with these tracks, so I’m wondering what others have experienced. Please feel free to leave a comment below with your experiences, or just go ahead and email me and we can dialogue that way, if you’d like. Really, I’m quite curious. I think it’s really powerful stuff, and I am very enthusiastic about it. Honestly, I wish I’d found out about them a whole lot sooner.

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Can Hypnosis Save Your Marriage?

Can hypnosis help you to save your marriage?

Absolutely. But first, let me clarify. I’m not talking about hypnotizing your spouse or anything like that. Instead, I’m talking about using the power of self-hypnosis to disrupt unproductive behaviors that are affecting your marriage and to modify these into positive, productive behaviors. My own background with self-hypnosis goes back about 17 years to a time when I was in graduate school. I was dealing with a difficult academic situation (adversarial problems with my thesis advisor) and  emotional issues in my personal life (a relationship that was not working out). I came across a book called Centering, by Jerry Kushel, which is long since out of print, and in it Dr. Kushel explained the use of self-hypnosis to modify behaviors and emotional patterns. I needed to get over considerable worry and stress, and recorded some sessions into my little hand-held tape recorder, which I’d then listen to. It did bring measurable relief, but I was a rank amateur.

Click here for more information on self-hypnosis.

Fast forward about a decade, and I had begun a relationship with my wife. We weren’t yet married, but had some issues to work through individually. She was having sessions with a hypnotherapist who also was a practitioner of emotional freedom techniques, and was having some significant breakthroughs. I had a session or two and found it quite transformative as well.

After that time, my contact with self-hypnosis was kind of hit or miss; I’d use it sometimes to help myself fall asleep, but really didn’t have any coherent engagement with the technique. That is, until recently. It took a marriage crisis — and many months of it — for me to look for some resources on hypnosis. To my surprise, there wasn’t all that much out there, and there was pretty much nothing that was based here in the U.S., aside from a few questionable sites with squeeze pages that would result in endless emails pinging you with their terribly overpriced services. In fact, it was largely because of one such website that I began looking for more reputable and affordable alternatives.

This is when I found HypnosisDownloads.com. I’m not here to push their services, not fundamentally. This is a personal blog about my experiences in attempting to reconcile my marriage. However, I have found the services that this website offers to be of the absolute highest quality, very powerful, and extremely helpful. And it’s inexpensive: the average download costs about $12, and you can use it again and again. In fact, the more you listen, the deeper the effect.

Their main download page lists all of their available downloads, and there’s one for just about everything: not just marital issues, but also help with smoking, alcohol and other addictions, diet, exercise, anxiety, and much more. There’s also a free course in learning self-hypnosis that is excellent, and contains hypnotic inductions you can use on a daily basis.

Which sessions do I use? Well, this might surprise you. Here’s what I use on a regular basis:

  • Learn Self Hypnosis. This comes with the free self-hypnosis audio course; you do need to register with your email for this track, but I have had zero issues with spam after having registered.
  • Seize the Day. This one is great for ending procrastination and training yourself to take initiative, both of which are qualities that will help your marriage reconciliation. This was an audio that they were giving away for free for those liking their Facebook page, but this offer may or may not still be available when you click through via Facebook.
  • Stop Being Messy. I admit it, I’m not a neat freak, and it was my laziness in keeping tidy that actually launched my marital crisis. I’ve only been using this track for a few days and it’s already having an effect.
  • Automatic Writing. This concept might seem a bit odd, although I suspect it will be familiar to creative individuals: you can train yourself to write “automatically” while in a state of deep hypnotic absorption. I have found this skill incredibly useful, in that it helps me gain insight into situations that otherwise would have gone undetected. This was one of the first downloads I purchased, actually, and I use it daily. It has really helped me to understand where my wife is at, and has helped me to chart out a course of appropriate actions to keep me on track.

As mentioned above, there are also many sessions that are appropriate for marital crises, including the following:

There are plenty of other tracks that might suit your situation. Most of these titles run about $12, but there are some mulit-download packs that cost a bit more. Many of the tracks have suggested “bundles,” that pair the track with another complementary title that is given at a discount. If you find their services helpful — which I’m pretty sure you will — you might want to join their “Growth Zone,” which runs about $18 per month and grants you 2 monthly downloads of your choice, plus two randomly chosen hypnosis scripts (which you’d have to record yourself, but you could do this if you’d taken the free audio course) per month. You also get discounts on buying additional titles. It’s quite a bargain, really.

So, can hypnosis help you to save your marriage? Again, I’d say, “absolutely.” Check it out, you won’t be sorry. I know I sure don’t regret it.

Click here to visit the HypnosisDownloads.com official website.

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Prediction Fulfilled, But I’m Also Lucky

I got home this evening (I’ll get to that in a moment) and found my suspicions to be true. As I wrote in my last post, I suspected that my wife would just totally blow me off this week and not even bother to pick up her dog. I think she goes through phases in which she is resentful of me for whatever reason, and when she gets that way she just shuts her phone off and ignores me. This current phase has been going on for about a week, and is an extension fo the five-week, ignore-the-husband phase that started last month. And, as I wrote before, I think this has a lot to do with the affair itself becoming very instable and susceptible severe damage from the slightest, which in this case would be an itty-bitty phone call from yours truly.

So, I arrived home and the dog was here. Remember, to my wife, her dog is her world. Her dog is her most prized possession. She cannot stand to be without the dog. Well, except for sometimes. She went an entire month without the dog, and so she’s going to go another week. I don’t really get it, except to think that the whole idea of sharing custody of a dog must be so contentious to the “other man” (i.e. the adulterer) that he has managed to convince her not to go there. Whatever. This will ultimately be a temporary situation. I really think the affair is on thin ice right now and that it won’t take very much to shatter it.

Fortunately, I didn’t have a long bus ride home tonight. My boss lives a couple of miles from here and offered me a lift. I somehow thought he’d do that. He seems to respect me, and to enjoy the camaraderie. Not only did he offer me a lift, but he also offered me his portable jump-starter that he happened to have in the back of his car, fully charged and ready for deployment. I was beginning to think that I was having good luck, or something.

Actually, I’ve got to say that it’s sort of been like a run of good luck these past couple of days. Last week, a colleague left a bunch of free-ride tickets for the bus system here; I don’t know where he got them, but I grabbed a few with an eye to giving them to my wife, since she rides the bus whenever she is in town. However, since I sensed that I would not be seeing her at all this week, and since the tickets will have expired by next week, they really came in handy when I suddenly had to hop on the bus. I only had a couple dollars in cash on hand, and that would not have been sufficient to get me there and back, and I wouldn’t be able to stop off at a bank along the way.

So, I popped the tickets into my pocket and headed out the door. The bus was late, but my connecting bus was early, so I was able to hop right on. This got me to my next transfer point early enough to take an earlier bus, which got me to my next transfer point early enough to hop on another, earlier bus. (Yes, I had to make three transfers, that’s why it took an hour and a half.) The weather was nice, too, so I didn’t mind all the time outdoors waiting on those connections. It was sort of a domino-effect of early arrival, early departure.

What’s with all the good luck, then? I don’t know, or maybe I do, sort of. I started doing some work with self-hypnosis about a month ago; it’s something I had had some experience with many years ago, and had had a session or two with a professional hypnotherapist at one point. As a regular meditator, the hypnotic state is very familiar, as it is not all that dissimilar from some forms of meditative absorption. I did a bit of research last month on self-hypnosis, just out of curiosity, really, and was surprised to find a dearth of stateside companies producing such materials. Basically, there weren’t any. All of the reputable companies I was finding were in the U.K. I found a company called HypnosisDownloads.com that is run by a staff of professional hypnotherapists. And when I say “professional,” I do mean Ph.Ds, not some random hucksters who claim to command hefty sums for their services. These guys know what they’re doing, and are not afraid to explain it. They even offer a free audio course through which you can learn self-hypnosis, and it’s a very good course, too: they explain the theories and concepts, the different techniques (confusional language, nominalizations, etc.), how indirect hypnosis works, and so on.


But I digress; what does this have to do with luck, anyway? Well, I had already bought a couple of their downloads (you can see the full list here) and had joined their so-called “Growth Zone,” which offers substantial discounts, when I decided, rather intuitively and somewhat on a lark, to try out one of their downloads on luck. It’s called “Be Lucky,” and builds on the work of Richard Wiseman, who studied the traits and habits of lucky individuals in a book called The Luck Factor, only to discover that luck appears to have more to do with behavioral choices and characteristics than chance. I’ve worked with this download a bit, and it does seem to have had an effect.

I do think that self-hypnosis can be an invaluable resource for people who find themselves in marital crises. There are many negative thought and emotional patterns that can be diverted and redirected in positive ways via skillful self-hypnosis. I’ve also found that there are some skills that can be developed through hypnosis that provide real insight that have recently helped me to cut through some of the more confusing aspects of my reconciliation efforts. Best of all, it’s easy to do, and it’s not expensive either. I’ve put some links up on a separate page that you might find helpful.

But this post isn’t a sales pitch. I only offer these ideas because I honestly have found them helpful — very helpful. No, this post is supposed to be a recap of the day, sort of the other bookend to which my last post makes a pair. It’s just gone midnight here, so I guess I’d better leave tomorrow’s post for, well, today.

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