Sometimes it’s just difficult to read the situation. My wife has committed herself to move out of this house at some point; the original deadline, as mentioned elsewhere, was January 1st. That day came and went. The first week of 2012 is nearly over, and she is still in the house, sleeping in the living room, by her own choice. She hasn’t said anything about a firm move-out date, but I’ve overheard from her phone conversations that she plans on moving out on Monday, January 9th.
She was supposed to have boxes here this morning, to be dropped off by the friend whose house she would be staying at, but since I was at home, she called her friend to ask if she could drop them by this evening instead. They then planned to hunt down some more boxes from some nearby stores. I was originally supposed to come home fairly late, but a meeting at work got canceled, and I ended up arriving home about 10 minutes before she did. She clearly did not expect me to be here when she arrived, with several boxes and some other packing materials. I looked at her and said, “What’s up with the boxes?” relatively casually, a bit critically, and somewhat curiously. I got no answer.
I then cooked us some dinner, set the table, and we had a proper, sit-down meal. She seemed rather uncomfortable, and didn’t really want to look at me. I behaved normally, and did not feel uncomfortable, and projected what more or less was a calm, stable energy. After dinner, I made her some tea, as she had retired back into her office where she spends most of her time, doing little other than surfing the internet. She thanked me for the gesture. She decided to take her customary evening bath a bit early, so I went about preparing the living room, making her bed, turning on the aromatherapy diffuser, and leaving behind a Cucuina Italiana magazine. This is one of her favorite magazines, and I had gotten her a gift subscription a few years ago, which has since lapsed.
After her bath, she peeked into the bedroom to thank me for the magazine. I told her she could come in to say goodnight to her dog, who was sleeping under the night table on my side of the bed. She came in and did so, and then she thanked me again. I took her hand, told her I knew she’d like to read the magazine, and then I kissed her hand and held it. This was not a needy gesture, just a genuine gesture of affection. She let me do this, and did not reject it. Her face and body language were very soft and receptive, as I’ve seen on many occasions in the past. Then I let her go, so that she could go to bed.
Now, this is a woman who supposedly has a single-pointed determination to leave me, to divorce me, to move out of the house, and move in with her lover. Thanks to my efforts at reconciliation, she has shown me this kind of receptivity for at least a month now. She’s still holding to her insane objective, which among other things has destroyed much of her professional life, and threatens damage many other spheres as well. So, I ask you, is this the way a woman who is hell-bent on leaving her husband would behave?
She is a very conflicted person. She has very high pride, and has gone public with her plan to desert me to numerous people, so I think it might be very hard for her not to actually do it. But I know that, if she does, it will be an incredibly painful experience for her. She already suffers from massive guilt. The affair seems to be in some distress. She almost certainly does not relish the idea of camping out for the rest of the month at someone else’s house; at the same time, she feels very uncomfortable here, not because of my actions, but rather because my presence and my actions remind her of the things she has done, and that she continues to do, that she knows are wrong. It’s pretty much a lose-lose-lose situation: it hurts her to stay here, since she feels so guilty; it hurts her to leave, since she knows she’s abandoning me and that also makes her feel guilty, and also she has to leave her home and be a guest in someone else’s, and; it hurts her to know that she cannot move in with her lover anytime soon, and certainly not by the end of the month, when her stay at her friend’s house will end.
So, I’m not quite sure what to expect at the moment. She hasn’t packed a single thing, and I don’t expect her to do so until tomorrow, and probably not until after I’ve left for work. She is having difficulty steeling herself emotionally for this event. I do get the sense that she’s getting nearer and nearer the breaking point.