I’ve been meaning to write an update to for some time, but have just been to busy to get around to it. It’s been a very busy week, followed by a pretty busy weekend. Nevertheless, I’ll at least try to hit the highlights.
I was recalling the other day that the night my wife took her then-emotional affair physical was a night of complete misery for me. I was left home alone with a story that made no sense at all, yet had a tiny bit of plausibility. It was Halloween. She claimed to be going to a party. That morning, she had coffee with a friend who, as I later learned, encouraged her to dump me, to “move on” and to go ahead and commit adultery. What on earth is wrong with people like that? This person is a married woman with two kids. That fact alone just makes me wonder. My wife came home after having coffee with this woman, and then left in the early afternoon to go shopping. She told me that she would be going out to a Halloween party with some new friends, and might not come home. These “friends,” whom I’d never met (and who remained nameless) had purportedly invited her to spend the night so that she could talk over her life situation.
My wife did not return home that evening, and I was really feeling horrible. This was the first time she’d ever done anything like this, and the sense of abandonment was pretty severe. She left her computer at home. I snooped, yes I did. I found nothing of any major significance, save for an email to the adulterer. There was nothing directly incriminating in the email, but there were some comments from him that made me suspicious. I was really feeling quite despondent and desperate. I tried to go to sleep, but simply could not. I spent the entire night awake with my mind racing. I learned a day later that she had, in fact, consummated that affair.
This past Tuesday I had a similarly restless night. My sleep was fistful, and not restful at all. I woke up around 4:00 a.m. and simply could not sleep anymore. I lied in bed with a racing mind that simply would not quieten. Eventually, I decided to get out of bed at 5:00 a.m. and start working. I had a bit of left-over paperwork from the previous day, and thought I’d just take care of that and get it out of the way. But something just left this nagging feeling in my mind. The quality of my sleep, or more properly the lack thereof, reminded me very much of that Halloween night. That night seemed to me as if there was some sort of psychic disturbance that was disrupting the energy in my relationship with my wife, a type of disturbance I’d never before experienced. It was almost a kind of diffuse violence; this did end up manifesting in my life as a very real eruption of emotional violence visited up on me in the form of the revelation of the affair. So, as I moved into the early hours of Wednesday morning, I couldn’t help but think that maybe something was coming unglued in my wife’s life right now.
I did end up seeing her on Wednesday, meeting for our weekly “date night.” She had blown off our normal meeting the previous week, and had done so two weeks before that as well. Thus, I was rather glad to be able to see her again. I swung by to pick her up as she was leaving a client’s house. Her mood seemed kind of down and even a bit sour. I offered to take her to a favorite tea house, as her stomach was bothering her from having had a fairly large lunch. She agreed, and thought it to be a great idea. We spent a bit of time there, and her energy did begin to turn around rather slowly. I was very relaxed, calm, and confident, but she seemed quite distant and preoccupied. Nevertheless, I did manage to get a few chuckles out of her while reminiscing about a few things.
We eventually left the tea place, and stopped by a bookstore for a browse. She bought a couple of cards, and I showed her my “secret” spot where I’d picked up a couple of good books for her in the previous months: the bargain section. She told me that she wanted to get some kombucha to help her stomach ache. I drove her to a market she had never seen before — one that I knew she would like — and let her do a bit of window shopping before she found the kombucha. It was starting to get late, so I took her back to the house at which she was spending the night. I did take the long way there, and she did not object. I told her shortly before we arrived that I had something to give her, and I allowed that expectation to sink in a bit. When we arrived, I gave her a wall calendar I’d picked up, one that was identical to one in our kitchen which she had shown great interest in on several occasions. I gave it to her and her eyes lit up. She thanked me, and then took her leave for the evening. I was to return the following morning to drop off the dog.
That I did. I stopped by on my way to work the next morning to bring the dog by. As I arrived, the owner of the house, and older Japanese woman, was there, preparing to leave for work. We have known this woman for some years, and I do believe that my wife has told her about our situation. This strikes me as odd, as this woman is an observant Christian, and it seems doubly odd, as this woman doesn’t seem to object to the quite obvious sins are being committed in her view: I do believe that the adulterer drops my wife off there, and it is quite likely that this woman has even met him. (Many things just do not compute.) At any rate, this woman said hello, and I greeted my wife, treating her very much like she was my wife — because, well, she is. I gave my wife a kiss on the forehead, and she sort of pulled away, probably because this older woman was there, and could see the whole thing. This is not behavior that would have been unusual for us around this woman, and it’s actually not something my wife even seems to object to when we’re alone. I guess it’s the reality of having this happen in an environment where she has told the story of this fairy tale that it becomes disturbing, for when the actual husband arrives and does something like this, he becomes the harbinger of the reality that the wayward spouse has tried so hard to avoid. That is, the reality that the affair is a sham, as is the entire fantasy world to which it is attached.
I left the dog with her, and went to work.
Then, some hours later, I get a series of texts from my wife telling me that our dog has a major flea infestation and that she thinks it would be best not to have the dog return to our house for a couple of weeks. She is under some belief that the dog is getting infested here, despite the fact that we have hardwood floors throughout the house and no carpeting, leaving few places for fleas to hide. In addition, I clean the house and wash the bedding every week to get rid of whatever fleas there might be. There is about the same likelihood of the dog picking up fleas at our place as there is just about anywhere in this region. In fact, the dog is more likely to get them at the adulterer’s house, as he has both chickens and a cat, and he also has carpeting in his house. (I have seen pictures.) My response was a short text saying that I was very concerned and that we should discuss this.
Well, you know what? She called me the following day. This is pretty unheard of. She never calls from the adulterer’s place, ever. But she did. I was working, so it went straight to voice mail. She sounded pretty shaky. It was kind of odd: the energy of her voice was just very ungrounded and she sounded quite unsure. I did call her back a few hours later — of course, my call went straight to voice mail — and told her that I had a solution, but woul dnot take this unilaterally and wanted to discuss this with her. So, I’m awaiting her reply, two days later. I’m not holding my breath.
At any rate, things still seem to be trending positively. This is the second slide I’ve seen in her energy in the past couple of months, and I take this as a likely sign that there are problems up there at Camp You-Know-What. Nine months is a long time for a wayward spouse to insist on a fantasy, and there certainly have been enough opportunities for the fog to begin to wear off. So, I continue to wait this one out.